Confession

Okay, so Sunday just seems like a good day to post about this....

Months ago, before I took a break from writing, I admitted that everything was pointing me towards working on my marriage...well, STUBBORN woman that I am (and yes, it does deserve all caps), I have not been able to bring myself to do it.

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I just want to make one thing clear....I don't have a bad marriage. I have a bad attitude, a lot of pain, and a lot of anger, but not a bad marriage. My husband is a good  man who works hard to provide for our family and, on top of that, he is currently participating in the Love Dare.

Now, this is not a goody-two-shoes post about how I am now going to let go and let God do what he needs to with me. I wish it was....

This is a confession....I love my husband, there is no doubting that, but I have not been very trusting. I have not been very trusting of him or of Him. Yes, my stubborn refusal to follow where God is leading is showing a lack of trust in Him; I realize this. And, I wish that I could say that I am now ready to leg go and submit.

The honest truth is that...I am not. I can feel Him tugging at me more and more, but I have to ease into this. There has just been too much hurt in my life that I am still trying to heal from. But, I keep trying to work on myself when the Lord keeps telling me to work on my marriage....and this just isn't working as easy as I would like.

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I am learning that for every opportunity, there is a season of preparation...and as I look back on my life, I can see quite a bit of preparation, but I am still somewhat blind to all the opportunities.

So, I am confessing that I am too stubborn to fully submit. I am confessing that it often takes God knocking me on my butt to get me to listen. I am confessing that I have major trust issues. So, keep me in your prayers.