Those who read my posts have a general idea of my childhood, that I was a ward of the State of Colorado from the age of 15. Before I was even 18 years of age, my caseworker dropped me off in the driveway of my boyfriend's mother's house. From there, I paid for he and I to get an apartment, but he soon started cheating on me, again, and I left. Shortly after my 18th birthday, I met a man. He was 10 years older than me and I was smitten. We fell into a hot and heavy relationship quickly. We came from different backgrounds, but the chemistry was there. We spent 2 years together, off and on, when I found my mother and moved to Georgia. My boyfriend soon followed and became my fiance, but that really didn't last long.
All together, I think that we were together 2 1/2 years or so when I broke it off and sent him back to Colorado. To this day, I still feel guilty for even letting him move to Georgia and for sending him back the way that I did. (I don't like to hurt people, but what else could I do? Remain unhappy?)
Apparently the beginning of my motherhood journey began December 26, 2000. I don't think that I need to go into detail. I had no idea that I was pregnant! February 15, 2001, I left my fiance...still clueless that a part of him was growing inside of me. My fiance went back to Colorado and a month and a half later, I found out I was pregnant. April 1, 2001, I took a pregnancy test. I had no definitive indication that I had been pregnant, but something wasn't right, so I took the test.
That night, my mother (who I was staying with, at the time) came home to find me crying. I didn't know what to do! I had left my fiance, my mom was living a life that I wanted nothing to do with, and I felt all alone and helpless. My mom offered to adopt my baby, but not only would I never be able to give my baby away, but I definitely couldn't give it to her. Bless her heart, she did the best she knew how with me and my brother, but I had always wanted better for my children. I faced an impossible decision....
I made a decision that God himself prevented. I made a decision that I never thought that I would be able to make. I decided to have an abortion. I decided that I was not in a position to raise my child, but I knew that I couldn't give it away, so I decided to end it's life. Luckily, I went in to the doctor and I was one week too far along to have a typical abortion and would have to go to Atlanta and pay twice as much money. There was a reason that I didn't know I was pregnant! I still believe that God intervened on my behalf. He prevented me from doing something that I would have always regretted.
I resigned myself to fact that I would be a single parent and I was soon looking forward to my bundle of joy! I wrote her father to tell him of my pregnancy and eventually had to call him to make sure that he knew. I swore that I didn't want anything from him, but that I felt it was only right for him to have the opportunity to be involved. Unfortunately, he has never utilized that opportunity.
My baby was born September 18, 2001 and she was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. Unfortunately, my mother's boyfriend and I were not getting along. Fortunately, my grandmother, who was visiting, was there to see it and I soon moved to Maryland with her. When my daughter was about 9 months old, I started college and little more that 6 months later, we moved to North Carolina. It was nice to be able to live with my grandmother. She provided a roof over my and my daughter's heads and I contributed the groceries to our household. It was a nice set up that let me stay home with my infant and then to go back to school.
In 2004, I started working. I still don't know how I did it. I started out working part-time for my internship, but it soon grew into full-time employment. So, I was working full-time, going to school full-time, and a single mom. I know what you are thinking....I had Grandma. But, I did and I didn't. Grandma was great, but I still did everything for Alyssa. Grandma would play with Alyssa sometimes, but I was still responsible for everything. Part of that was due to my own pride. I wanted to be her mother, I didn't want her being raised by others. So, I went to school, worked and was a single parent.
Then, came the day that I realized that my daughter was getting extremely spoiled, so we moved out. I had nothing but my daughter's bedroom furniture, but we moved out December 2004. Now, we had our own apartment with no furniture...literally, I had lawn furniture in my living room, a card table in the dining room, and I slept on a blow-up mattress, but we made it! We were all on our own! Now, I really did it all by myself...work, school, and parenting.
Next post: Part two
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