So Busy!

Okay, so I suck at posting over the last few years. I have been really busy with a rambunctious bouncing baby boy, 

a tween,

and a teenager!

 Ahhh! 

Then, when you add in all the illness that my house has gone through and everyone's change of careers [I am now a SAHM and my hubby is an ordained minister (yikes! I am still reeling from that one)], 

there doesn't seem to be a dull day! There also doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to take care of the kids, let alone myself. I hope to get better at posting, but please bear with me....

Happy Mother's Day 2016

Credit

Much Needed Update

It has been quite a long time since I posted and there is a lot that has changed!

Number one: We have a third child! God graced us with a little boy on May 2, 2014. (I can't believe he is 9 months old already!)

Number two: I am no longer a working mom, I get to stay home with the boy. (Yay me!)

Number three: My hubby changed careers from Teacher to Director our church's after school care program. (Am I really going to be a minister's wife?)

I promise that I will update you in more detail in posts to come.

Thankful Thursday 2014: Week One

Link

Today, I am thankful for...

...the window air conditioning unit and fans throughout our house. We have an old house with bad windows, little insulation, and the condenser unit keeps developing a freon leak. In the "dog days of summer," I am happy for anything that moves the air.

...my hubby, who has let me get a nap this morning. I desperately needed it.

...my hubby's new job and the fact that they have told him that he didn't need to be there until 11am.

...God's provision as we learn to live off of one income. Money never seems to go far enough, but we seem to have enough food and just enough money for gas.

...the fact that I get to stay home. It's RUFF, but it is where I still believe God wants me to be.

...my oldest daughter, who is about to turn 13 years old, and the fact that she has a compassionate and understanding spirit.

...my youngest daughter, who is an endless source of comedy in our family.

...my dog is a constant source of companionship.

...my cats who provide me with no lack of things to do and watch in our house.

I Am Back at Work

Okay, for those of you who don't know, I have gone back to work. (Thus the change in my blog address, name, and background.)

Just a few years ago, I led what I like to believe was a successful career as a Paralegal. Now, I am back to work. After being home for a year and a half, getting married, becoming a stepmom, suffering from back pain, undergoing back surgery, a car accident, and now facing a foreclosure, I am back at work.

I work for a nice law firm in their traffic division and I love it! I love being at work! I love the independence, I love the confidence, and I love feeling like I make a difference to someone!

It will be interesting to see how I manage to juggle everything again. To me, life is full of things that are just have to dos and I have done well with that. For me, it is not an option to take care of my family, it is just a have to do so there is no reason complaining about it.

It will be interesting to see how things develop now that I blog about it...

Turning 30 and About to Lose My Mind

"30 is the new 20, unless your 20, then it's the new 40." - Dane Peddigrew

 I can remember back in 2004...I had a tough time turning 24 because it was too close to 25, which was too close to 30. Since, then I have not had a hard time with my birthday...until now.

Tomorrow, I reach the big 30! And what do I have to show for my life? When I turned 24, after feeling sorry for myself, it seemed to spurn me forward. I bought my own car, I graduated college the next year and bought my own house about 2 years after that.

Now, on the other hand, there is nothing left to show... The car that I bought, was totaled earlier this year when someone failed to yield and ran right into me at full speed. The house that I bought...well, I have struggled to make the payments since I lost my job early last year and now, I have fallen 3 months behind and they are ready to foreclose. Not to mention, I haven't lived there in over a year. Instead, we live on family property (of my husband's family) and it's not even in our name. All of the wonderful things that I bought and acquired for my "first home" are now a distant memory. Almost none of it has stayed with me...most of it being sold when we moved.

Why do women have such a hard time with turning 30? Unlike turning 13, 18 or 21; 30 is that first milestone that is met with dread.

Many women -- especially if they haven’t accomplished something that they wanted to do -- look at their 30th birthday with dread. They think that they should have done something…bigger than what they have. It’s a big turning point; when you enter your 20s from your teens, when you first venture out into this big world, but it’s not considered a big deal. But going from your 20s to your 30s -- now, that’s a different story.

It was easy a few years ago to say these feelings of insecurity wouldn’t affect me -- but then again, I almost had my life made a few years ago. Now, I turn 30 years old tomorrow and the major milestones of my life have been lost and the only other goal that I had set has slipped through my fingers. No wonder I am having such a tough time!

I have heard that a lot of people discover themselves in their 30s, they learn a lot about themselves. I have heard that they don’t feel the need to sugar coat their words, or explain their actions. They don’t apologize for their mistakes and no longer beat themselves up over them either. Most have a level of confidence that women in their 20s have yet to discover. (This I look forward too, if it's true...everyone knows that I could do with some confidence.)

Apparently, when you are 30, you should magically have your "stuff" together, be secure in your career of choice, have a significant other with a prospect of either marriage or children, have already or be in the process of buying a house/condo, and be on the road to the height of the American Dream. I, on the other hand, have no career, no self-confidence, no prospect of additional children (as a matter of fact 30 is my deadline...there will be no more), and that house that I bought is slipping through my fingers.

It is odd, in my twenties, I was a single parent who managed to make it through college and even bought a house, but couldn't help but yearn for a husband and the chance to have a child "the right way." Now that I am nearing 30 and I have my husband (even if the baby dream is gone) I can't help but mourn the loss of all that I had accomplished in my 20s and then lost.

I wonder if it's required to have some sort of mid-mid-life crisis when the big THREE-OH approaches.

Some advice that I have found in my research (you all know how I love the research!):

Don’t beat yourself up. Very, few people have accomplished their list of things to do before reaching 30. (The perfectionist that I am, I can't help but beat myself up. Hopefully with a decaying body, I won't be able to beat myself up too much...lol)

Life experiences are priceless. Life experiences are the best lessons you will ever receive. Instead of looking at what you didn't accomplish, look at what you’ve learned.

Enjoy every stage of life. There is beauty in each phase of our life.

Although, some of these tips haven't quite hit home with me, yet. I hope that I gain that self confidence that is always spoken of so much by those who have already passed my upcoming milestone. In the meantime, all I can do is to try to not be so depressed...somehow I know that is easier said than done.

The Guilt of a Stay at Home Mom

Unfortunately, guilt is one of the natural by-products of being a mom. However, what do you do when you are constantly plagued by guilt? Guilt was a weapon that my father liked to use on me as a child. And as a person who has suffered an enormous amount of rejection in my life, I suffer from perfectionism and constantly feel guilty for not reaching those standards.

Even though I get to stay home with my girls, even if it's not by my choice, I feel guilty that I don't spend enough "quality" time with my kids. I often feel that I should be reading more books to them, talking to them more, or even playing more games with them. Even when I do have a day to spend enough "quality" time with my kids, I often feel like I'm not contributing to the world at large.

And since I am home all day, my homes should be spotless, right? My husband thinks so, but Wrong! You would be surprised how many other things can nickel and dime your time away.

I also feel guilty when we can't afford to enroll my girls in all the activities that they would want to do, or put that swing set in the backyard that I want to. Maybe if I was working, we could afford these things. Not only do these feelings add stress to a marriage; they can cause stay-at-home parents to question whether their children would be better off if both parents worked outside the home.

And I often feel that, more than others, I get angry too often. We all feel guilty when we lose our temper at our kids, but being home all day with our kids, it's only natural that our children occasionally drive us "nuts"! I have high expectations of myself and of my children and when those expectations are not met, I tend to get angry. Mind you, I am no abuser and I don't beat my children, but I can get cranky from time to time and lose my patience.

I will be also admit that, yes, I have become totally addicted to the Internet (one of those things that can take up my time). As a stay-at-home mom, it helps me feel connected to the outside world, and I've made some "cyber-friends" with whom I enjoy chatting with or exchanging emails. But I do feel guilty about the amount of time I spend online, instead of with my family.

I know that sounds like a lot of guilt for one person to endure, but that is only the tip of my iceberg. I suffer constant guilt over every little thing that I have allowed to slip through my fingers, every little thing that does not go how I pictured it, pretty much everything in general.

My latest pang of guilt comes from the fact that my husband is seeking a second job. It was one thing for him to seek a summer job while school was out, but now he contemplates a night job. If he gets this job, it could alleviate some of our financial burden, but then I would no longer have my husband at home. He would go to work at school, come home and sleep, got to work at night, then try to get some more sleep before going back to school the next day. I know that this will be hard on him as well as our relationship and our family. For this I feel extremely guilty, but what can I do? I have sought every job in the triad area for which I would qualify and for which my back (post-surgery) could take. So what do I do now?

Honestly, I don't feel that I can do anything and that in and of itself leaves me feeling guilty.