Not trying, not preventing?

Okay, I am a little confused. The hubby found out that I am making a trip to my doctor on Friday and he suggested that I get rid of the IUD. He doesn't want to exactly try for a baby, but he wants to stop preventing it, as well...

I am not sure about this...

Now, the hubby hasn't yet likely seen my last 3 posts. (Even though I printed them and left them out for two days before I started posting them.) This idea of removing the IUD is all his. I mean, we talked a little here and there, as I indicated in my previous posts, but he doesn't really know the feelings I have been having lately. (Not completely, anyway. Of course I told him I am stressed, but not about the baby thing.)

I love my hubby, but I already gave up the thought of a real wedding because he has done that before. Do I now have to give up TTC, too? That's how I am feeling anyhow. Probably not fair to him, so not how he means it, I am sure. But, how do I find out?

Yeah, yeah...obvious conclusion...talk to him. But, how?

So, I am sitting up tonight (Saturday night). I tried going to sleep, but these thoughts creeped into my brain....I guess there's no sleep for me now...

Did some looking around for what men mean when they say this....nothing....nothing came up in Google.

Looked for others not trying, not preventing...did you know 23% of women are doing this?

Most of the women define TTC as tracking ovulation and temperatures, etc. Not trying, not preventing is stopping birth control. But, as so many pointed out, if you stop birth control, the likely result is a baby. So, if you stop birth control, isn't that essentially trying?

If I believe this, then I was not knocked up with my older daughter. And I wouldn't say I was trying for her at the time that I became pregnant. I was actually nearing the end of my relationship with her father. Okay, this thought confuses me. I can't believe one thing for one part of my life and one thing for another...

Then, there are others that believe that yes, coming off BC is trying, but not actively trying. (I guess, that's where the tracking thing comes in...)

So, what does not trying, not preventing mean to you? 

The best answer I saw is...It just means you are going to have another baby.

When is the right time to start trying?

How Do You Know When You're Ready?

Okay,I have been obsessed about this recently, but I can't help it, and it helps to write.

How does a couple know when they are ready for kids and/or another kid?

My husband and my relationship is a little different in that we have two children, but have never had a child together.

I have never chosen to have a child with anyone. I got knocked up with my daughter. There was no choice there. So, how does a couple decide if there are ready for a child?

As it turns out, this is not an easy question to answer. You have to take a lot of things into consideration:

Goals

• Are either of you still in school? Yes, my husband just started classed for his AIG certification (for which I am very proud of him).
• Or planning to go back at some point? Yes, my husband would like to go back for his Masters in Administration.
• How will that affect your finances, spare time and relationship? Detrimentally, I am sure. The hubby and I can't get enough time together or stretch our finances to a comfortable amount as it is, but in the end I am sure it would be beneficial.
• And, what effect will a baby have on that education? Danny's current schooling should only last about 16 weeks, so no issue there. But a baby would definitely put his Master's on hold, but he doesn't seem to be on the fast track for that, yet.

Career

• Is there room in your career, especially for mom? There is a problem here in that I tend toward being a workaholic. I was with my oldest and now, I constantly battle with my priorities. Not to mention, I just started my job 6 months ago, too early to start considering maternity leave?

Finances

• Do you budget? Yes, I started this recently for my family, though it's really hard to stick to.
• Is there any room in your budget? Not at the present but there should be a lot more room after the first of the year. But, we've always lived paycheck to paycheck and just made enough for our mortgage, household expenses, and paying off debts, with just a little left for fun.
• What about daycare? Can you afford to go back to work and pay daycare? Or stay home? Honestly, right now, neither. I would love nothing more than to stay home for a few years, but we can't afford this. The only other option is to pay more than $8K a year for other people to raise our kid, my wallet is already hurting.

 Conception

•  Chances are, you'll have little or no idea about your ability to conceive until you start to try. Luckily, I have an insight into this. My body, at its healthiest (11 years ago) took two years to conceive my daughter. (Yes, I know I said that I got knocked up, but I was young and dumb and not exactly preventing getting pregnant at the time.) Yes, there would be a chance of conceiving right away, but I doubt it with my now older, bigger, and less healthy body. (So that 32 year old cut off is always looming in the back of my mind.) Now, add in the fact that after a certain age, it becomes harder to conceive, pregnancies become higher risk, and advanced maternal age carries increased risk of birth defects, cancers, and other complications.

 Relationship

• Being married isn't easy . . . and parenthood is even less of a fairy tail. I love my hubby, but there are a lot of days where marriage and/or parenting are a challenge. So how do you know when your relationship is ready for another kid? (Okay, I sort of answered that question with a question . . .) I think I am nervous from a relationship aspect. Our marriage has already been really hard. I love my husband and I have no plans to go anywhere, but I also know our day to day life. I know that he is stressed at work, I know that we don't always agree on how to raise our kids, I know that I often get oversensitive at having to do work full time and do so much around the house, I know my physical limitations with my back. With my roller coaster emotions, I wonder what a baby would add to that mix. Our kids are currently 10 and six, and a baby would be a major change to our relationship. I know that my husband will be a great father (he already is), but the human side of me is nervous.

 Space

• Are you ready to spend more money on an upgrade or move to a less expensive area? I am willing. The hubby and I have always had the dream of putting a house on the land that he owns, but I am currently in bankruptcy. We are still recovering from me being out of work for two years. So, how long before a bank would approve a loan for the dream we have? Who knows . . . that is not exactly a question I can Google.

This is a lot to consider and my initial answers scream "Hey stupid! It's definitely not time!" Okay, nothing so drastic. If you really look at it form finances, we could make it (though it wouldn't be comfortable) and from the conception aspect, it's almost now or never. But really, is there ever a right time to have a baby? There is never going to be enough money, enough time, enough space.

It sucks because I'm anxious to add to our family and one by one I'm watching others do it. I want a baby so bad it hurts, but I guess it's just not in the cards right now...

Hurting

The hubby and I have been married two years now. When we first met, we fell head over heals in love with each other and began planning our life, which included twin boys and a house on his property in Davidson County. At six months, we got engaged, and less than two months later, we were married.

Our relationship and marriage hasn’t been easy. Two weeks after meeting, I lost my job and wasn’t able to find another for two years. We got married while I was suffering the effects of a herniated lumbar disc and it consumed me over the next three months until the doctor performed surgery. I got through surgery okay, and baby fever hit me. I was convinced that if we didn’t have a baby soon, then we wouldn’t be able to. I just knew that I had at most two or three years before I would have to have surgery again (which was now almost two years ago and I am still doing well). No matter what I said though, my husband stuck to his guns and said no baby until we were ready. (Though I don’t think we ever talked about what he thought made us "ready.") Looking back, it was probably a good decision.

At the time, though, I was hurting. I wanted a baby so bad, I wanted to know that he wanted a baby with me, too. (Mind you, we both have a child of our own as well.) Then, almost my entire Sunday School class got pregnant and I couldn’t deal with it. I could bring myself to go to any of their baby showers, I even quit going to church at one point, and I only ever brought myself to go meet one of the babies. (I did attempt to go to one of the baby showers, but I turned back when I saw how many people were there.) I was brokenhearted and hurting. Then, I just had enough. I hit my 30th birthday and said "that’s it, no more kids." I grieved over that decision, but at least the decision was made and over time my hurt lessened.

Recently, the hubby and I resurrected the baby discussion and said that soon as we got our finances were manageable, we would start trying. Now, I am scared. Not about having a baby. I am scared that it’s never going to happen. Every time I turn around, something goes wrong. Right now we just barely made it through our girls’ birthdays and our anniversary. And now, I learn just how frustrated and at the end of his rope my hubby is with his job.

Now that brokenhearted feeling returns and I don’t know if I can deal with it again. I don’t like this feeling and it definitely doesn’t make me a nice person to be around. (I tend to lash out in anger when I am hurting.) But, what do I do? As a Christian, I know that the answer is to pray, but it’s hard to continuously pray for something for a year and half and get no answer. I know that there has to be a reason, and to a degree I know (or think I know) some of those reasons, but my heart is breaking . . .

Dilema

Okay, so . . . anyone who follows me knows that last year, I had a real dilemma in that I felt that the time for child bearing had passed. (Which was a major desire of my heart, and it still is.) When I tried to talk to my husband about it all those months ago, I got "don’t you think it kills me to think that we might not get to have another?" To me that meant that the dream was dead. So I closed my heart to it.

As it turns out, the dream wasn’t completely dead. There was still a chance, but now our lives are in turmoil. The story of our marriage: we get through one tough situation only to enter into another . . .

I don’t know how many of you out there know this, but life is getting tougher and tougher for our teachers! My husband loves being a teacher, but I have never seen him so frustrated! 

This year, there were some major turn overs at his school and I think it has left the entire school in flux. So, he got to start the year dealing with that . . . then, they cut the hours which he gets his teacher’s assistant and cut his planning time. The result . . . Danny has been working a lot. 

A teacher’s job is not as easy as you think. Yes, they get "off" at 3pm every day and get summer vacations, but being a teacher and dealing with kids and their parents is emotionally and physically draining. Danny has gotten to deal with that as well as working longer than ever before (sometimes not getting home until I do at 5:45pm) and has brought home more work than ever.

What does this mean for our family? I don’t know . . . 

I had hoped that we could start planning to add to our family soon, but with all of this up in the air, should we? I am the kind of person that tends to just step out in faith (when I want something bad enough) and trust that things will work out. But Danny needs to know that everything is going to be okay before he steps out.

Which of us is right? Probably him. I do know that before I agree to bring another child into this world, I want to know that I am doing it right. We need a bigger house, a bigger car, and I want to be able to afford to decorate a baby’s room and all that fun stuff that I missed out on with Alyssa. So, to some degree, I think that Danny is right . . . we have to know we are going to be okay before we step out, even if that means it passes us by.

Danny and I have not talked about this. But I think he would agree with me that this time of turmoil may not be the right time to even talk about adding to our family. The problem from my end is that the clock is ticking. I don’t plan on having kids past 32 years old, and I never have (Hint: That is 11 months away). I guess there is some need for prayer and guidance here . . .