Just a Thought

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I don't want to be mean.
I don't want to hurt them.
I don't want them to feel what I feel.
I don't want them to suffer my rejection.
So, why do I?
I can't seem to help it.
Every time I open my mouth, anger pours out.
It pours out all over those that I love.

Fears Continue

Okay, I have been mulling over something for a while. It's another fear of mine.

Source

Years ago, when my oldest was in 2nd grade, I got the first inkling that something might be wrong. School had just started, my oldest had just switched schools and...I got a call from the principal. Apparently, my oldest had had enough of some little boys teasing her and threatened to chop them up with an axe.

The principal called me and we agreed to get my oldest to see a counselor with Youth Focus as well as the school counselor. I did this and my oldest saw an intern at Youth Focus for a couple of months. She didn't really appear to have any major problems and counseling became/was only play with play-dough time, so we discontinued counseling.

The next school year, my oldest was diagnosed with ADHD. Fourth grade, we tried medication, but according to the psychiatrist, we were giving it to her at the wrong time of day and she stayed sleepy and cranky all year. Now, it's fifth grade and she is seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, finally has an appointment for an audiological comprehension problem, a referral to a developmental pediatrician, and is diagnosed ADHD and depressed.

Last week, the hubby came home and reported that my youngest told a friend of her's that she was going to have her older sister (my oldest daughter) kill her. Needless to say, my youngest is a teacher's kid, and seems to be in a more lax school, so there was no phone call home or request for counseling. But, my fear....this is just the beginning of the journey for my youngest. The hubby is well familiar with the fact that I have suspected ADHD in my youngest for a long time. But, she has significantly improved over the years and I had almost started to relax and hope that she would avoid the battle. I guess I can't just yet, hope, that is.

Sort of a Wierd Proud Moment

Source

I post a lot (here recently) about my anger. Well, I am very proud of myself.

We got a new van two weeks ago today. Well, when we bought it, there were three things that still needed to be fixed on it (the back automatic hatch wasn't working, the radio isn't working properly, and there is a purely cosmetic piece to be replaced). It took way too much prodding (in my opinion) on me and my husband's parts to get the repairs started. It took my husband dropping by and about three phone calls on my part.

Well, Monday night, we dropped the van off at the dealership so that they could start the repairs. Tuesday evening, we get a call. They have to replace the motor and lift kit in the back hatch and it will take another day. I opted to take the van back for Wednesday, since I had the day off, and we dropped it off Wednesday night. Thursday, I call the dealership twice just to get put off to Friday. Friday, I call and am put off,  my husband stops by just to be put off, then we both stop by just to be told that we can't have it back until Monday.

Source

Then, I ask about the radio and they haven't even started to work on it! I ask about the cosmetic piece and "it's on order" just like it was two weeks ago! Mind you, without my car, I have to spend 10.5 hours a day at work. (I love my job, but come on, no one wants to be there that long!) But, I KEPT IT TOGETHER!

Of course, I told the dealer exactly how long I have to stay at work when I don't have a car. But I didn't kick and scream like I wanted to. I didn't even take it out on my family when we got home. I wasn't short with them. I was cranky, yes. I had every right to be, but I wasn't ANGRY.

This may be a baby step, or something that doesn't sound like much to you, but it's a great weight off of my heart for me!

Dealing with Anger

I recently posted about having so much anger in my heart. I have been dealing with my anger in unhealthy ways for so long that I don't know how to deal with it in a healthy way.

Most of the time, I swallow my anger for fear of upsetting or disappointing someone else. Then, I erupt. It could take days or months, but eventually that anger spews out of me like molten lava.

And it spews forth in various ways.

• It may be in a grumpy attitude which, if not acknowledged by others, progresses to rage and discontentment with everything.
• It may be expressed in passive aggressive ways. I may start "picking" with my husband and it turns to complete disrespect and annoying behavior (on my part).

There was a time that I used journaling and poetry to deal with my anger. Now, I blog; but I don't want to disrespect others in front of the whole world, so I don't fully express myself.

A lot of times, because I have repressed my anger so much, I don't even know who I am angry with. So, it's really easy to transfer my anger to whoever is around or whatever is happening. But, chances are, that's not really what I am angry with.

How do you deal with anger?

Christian with Anger

Yes, that is me. I know...I know. That is not how it is supposed to be. If I am truly a Christian then I should be filled with the Spirit and beaming with the joy and love of Jesus.

So, what's my problem? If I could answer that, I would be in this situation. However, the closest that I can come to an answer is that I am either too stubborn or too comfortable with the familiar to change. Or, it's a combination of both (more likely).

I can go days without being angry at the world in general. There are days where I can feel love beaming from my chest and I am really proud of myself. Then, there are days when I could just tear the head off of anyone who crosses my path. Lately, I am very proud of myself. A lot of my anger is now being successfully restrained from my children. (Mind you, I was never an abusive person, but I was definitely not satisfied with anything.) Unfortunately for my husband, this anger is restrained from my kids, but that means that he bears more of it himself, and that's not fair.

Mind you, this has been something difficult for me to admit. To admit that I have anger is to admit that I am not filled with joy. Yes, I am a fallible human being. I am a survivor of a lot of crud and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. But, I am tired of giving anger so much power over me. So yes, I am a Christian with anger.