Just a Thought

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I don't want to be mean.
I don't want to hurt them.
I don't want them to feel what I feel.
I don't want them to suffer my rejection.
So, why do I?
I can't seem to help it.
Every time I open my mouth, anger pours out.
It pours out all over those that I love.

Why I Run

As I have just started running, I am finding it difficult to actually complete three runs a week. Maybe a list of reasons that I run will help, so here goes…..

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#1. I have paid good money to run a 5K in less than 10 weeks.

#2. Running is one of the best butt-kicking, calorie-blasting workouts around. I mean, really, have you ever seen a fat runner (one who's been doing it a while)?

#3. I can do it anywhere. Inside or outside. Traveling for work, on vacation, snow, sleet, rain, hail? Yep, you can still go for a run.

#4. No pricey gym membership required.

#5. Exercise has been shown to help keep the mind sharp and might also protect the brain against Alzheimer’s.

#6. For a whole host of feel-good chemicals that are released in the brain.

#7. I can bring anyone along, my kids and/or my dog.

#8. It doesn't matter how you do it, it only matters that you do it. The only bad run is the one you didn't take.

Week 4, 1/23-1/30

WEEKLY WEIGH IN: 1.6 lbs. lost!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOST: 5 lbs.

STRUGGLES & CHALLENGES:
During the week, I gained a few lbs. back when I stayed home from work.
I had to add more water to my diet and it took it back off, I get the
impression that it was water retention, maybe from some salty foods.

I also struggled with what appears to be PMS. One day, I cried at the
drop of a hat and definitely ate too much, so I didn't even bother
tracking it, but I got myself back on track!

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
I managed 92 minutes of walking this week!
I also managed to get one of my rings on, not one of the important ones
(engagement and wedding bands), but it was still one I hadn't been able
to wear in almost a year.

MILESTONES:

I have lost my first 5 lbs.

REVELATIONS:

I finally understand that water is important.

I am an Emotional Eater

Okay, I have a confession to make. I am an emotional eater! It started at a young age and I didn't even realize it. I am sure that a lot in my life led up to is, but nothing quite revealed my propensity for emotional eating like when I left my father's house. The day I went into foster care at 15 years old. The day I entered a group home for troubled youth. (Mind you, I had done nothing to deserve going there, I just didn't have any place to go.) I spent two weeks away and by the time I returned to school, I had gained 20 lbs.

Rather than feel my feelings, I drown them in crunch, salty, or sweet foods. I honestly didn't pay much attention to this (other than the occasional "diet") until my 31st birthday. That was the day that I realized I had ballooned up from 193 lbs to 227 lbs in only a year and a half.  Since then (and it's been almost a year), I have struggled and struggled to lose weight, but instead, I am up about another 8 lbs. 

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How do I get past this?

For me, it is extremely hard to  keep from eating. I have no will power and when I was single, I just didn't buy sweets until I had been craving them forever. Now that I am married, things have gotten a bit harder. Now, my hubby loves late night snacking too and when even he manages to resist, then I relish in the fact that I can usually send him out to get something for me. (Right at this moment, I have sent him out to get me a Pepsi.)

Now, I am consumed by anxiety/depression, when I am not medicated, and I face stress every day.  I live on stress, I thrive on stress, and yet...it eats away at me too. I work in a job that is hard to leave at work. And when I do manage to focus on other things, it is usually on the never-ending quest to keep a clean house, or how to parent my girls, or any number of other things that I stress and/or feel guilty about. 

(As an end note, that lovely hubby of mine brought back a whole 12 pack of Diet Pepsi, along with a 2 liter of Pepsi next. Always trying to go a step above, he doesn't realize how hard it is for me to resist sweets when they are readily available....)

A Stubborn Heart

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I wonder who else out there experiences this....a stubborn heart.

Once my feelings have been hurt, real or imaginary, I can't move past it until that hurt is confessed to the one who hurt me. I can pray, I can cry, I can be mad at the world, but I can't move past that hurt until it is confessed.

Once it is confessed, whether I believe the situation will be rectified or not, at least I can move on, but until then, I sit and I stew. No matter how I try to distract myself, my mind wanders back. No matter that I try to move past the hurt/wrong, I just can't fully do it until it is confessed.


Do any of you experience this? How do you move past it?

Wow! Just, Wow!

Wow! I am one messed up and confused person. I can’t seem to finally make a decision on TTC. I have stopped (completely), so I guess that is a decision, of sorts, but I still sway back and forth like the leaves of a tree in the slightest breeze. I can’t take it any more.

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We have, theoretically, been TTC for just over 6 months now, but I am still on the fence. One minute, I dread even the idea of getting pregnant. I think that I am too old, that fact alone make me worry about birth defects, etc. etc. etc. But, then I am a seriously messed up person. I suffer for severe depression and the need to control everything. I swing from happy and carefree to praying for Jesus to take me home in just a matter of weeks sometimes. I feel misunderstood and not taken seriously. I feel lost in the crowd and even simply ignored at times. All of this has led to anxiety and depression in one of my children already. What on earth would it do to another?

One of my great friends just gave birth to her son not long ago and I enjoyed holding him. I enjoyed seeing her in the hospital and seeing this sleeping bundle of joy. But I left the hospital that day with still no craving for a baby. That worried me.

Then, about a month ago, my husband started telling me that I am pregnant. (Mind you, this was after me taking three negative pregnancy tests.) But he persisted... And, over the last few weeks, I started to warm to the idea of maybe a little one growing inside of me. Of bringing a new little bundle of joy home and getting to start all over (talk about feeling guilty after those thoughts!).

Yesterday, I finally broke down and went to store to purchase more pregnancy tests. In the time it to me to go to Wal-Mart, shop around a little, come home, and sit down on the toilet to take my fourth test in two months, I started menstruating. My first reaction was to laugh and laugh and laugh. Talk about ironic. But, today, I feel a little heart broken and disappointed.

But I don’t feel disappointed like I have in the past when I really really wanted to be pregnant. I feel disappointed that I have to keep struggling with my feelings of uncertainty. I honestly started wanting to be pregnant so that I can stop feeling so uncertain, the decision would be made. (That and a cute little bundle would be just adorable to have.)

Would it be terrible to have another baby? No. Would it be stressful? You betcha. Would it be scary? For sure. Would I feel guilt? Probably every day of that baby’s life. So, why do I continue to torture myself about it?

Still Confused

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I finally broke down a few days ago and told my husband about my fears and now I am more confused than ever.

Looking back, I don't think I really had any expectations of what my hubby's reaction to my fears would be. (I definitely feared his response if he thought I was saying no more kids. I feared that he would hate me or leave me, although he has never given me any reason to think this.) But, now I am confused.

My hubby is a great man to talk to. Whether I want to or not, I talk to him about everything. But, I keep thinking over our conversation and I don't know what to make of it.

I didn't walk away feeling like I would be supported no matter what. (Okay, that didn't come out right; let's try that again.)

I didn't walk away feeling like it was even a valid option to reevaluate our decision to TTC. Now, I don't know where to turn. I am just kind of floating around and being tossed about by the currents of my emotions.

I Give Up

I give up.

I give up on making any pretense that I can keep my current turmoil from polluting my blog. I am completely obsessed. I am in pain and I need an outlet. Not one day, not one hour goes by when I don't think about our current situation and the various ways that it's effecting me, my family, my work, my kids...

I am in turmoil thinking that I should probably notify her father, even though he has no active communication with us. He has never met my oldest. He has never written to her. He has only ever talked to her once on the phone. He won't even consistantly pay to support her, but he is still her father.

When I think those thoughts, then I can't help but feel guilty for ever raising her without a father. For thinking that I could be enough, as broken as I am. All my life, I have been told that I am strong to survive what I have, but I am still so very broken.

Then, I try to think into the future. I am who I am. If I haven't been able to do a good job up until now, then there is no way that I can be enough going forward. But, what do I do?

Then, there is my youngest. She isn't even my real daughter, but how bad will I mess her up?

I used to blindly think that I was a good mom. Yes, I am strict and a little over bearing, but I have fed and clothed her; I have loved her; I have done my best to protect her; I have tried to teach her right from wrong; but, apparently, that is not enough. But, where do I go from here? What is enough?

I seriously just want to crawl in a hole and die. (Don't misunderstand me, I could never kill myself.) But I want to seclude myself, curl up in my bed, and not move. I want to veg out, stop thinking, and just be.

Still Hurting for My Little Girl

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Last week seems almost like a dream and yet...I am still hurting and bewildered.

Worse yet, it appears that this will never end. The cruel, cruel classmates of my daughter are picking on her. Apparently one of them has a pin that looks like a syringe (what their parents were thinking is beyond me) and tried to offer it to my oldest to assist her in ending her life. He didn't do this to somehow actually assist her, he did this purely to mock her. My greatest fear...this is going to follow her through middle and high school.

Why can't she just be left alone and provided the supportive friends that she needs?

What worries me...me and my daughter are very close and yet, she doesn't offer this information up to me. I only find out through the hubby who works at the school. So, what happens next year when there is no daddy there? Will I know anything?

How to treat Menstrual Moodiness

Okay, so yesterday, I sort of vented about dealing with my mood swings. Let's follow that up with some research on some supposed ways to treat the moodiness.

There are three different ways to treat menstrual moodiness. Lifestyle Changes, Alternative Medicine or Drugs and Surgery.

1: Lifestyle Changes

Stress reduction, such as yoga or meditation, combined with regular exercise and an improved diet, can do a woman great service. Exercise is a great way to burn off stress and we all know that stress contributes to moodiness.

Your diet is key in regulating mood swings. By eating a balanced diet rich in foods that boost serotonin levels, and avoiding sugary foods and excess caffeine, it is possible to stabilize mood levels some. Caffeine is a stimulant that adds to mood instability.

Carbohydrates such as potato, bran, wheat, and other complex carbohydrates help to boost serotonin levels, but this wouldn't be very good for my struggle to lose weight. Don't get me wrong, I don't deny myself carbs, but I do try to manage them. Foods high in protein are rich in amino acids rich, which help cope with mood swings.

Making these lifestyle changes is easier said than done, but with some practice you would see a different in your moodiness. Yet if a change in lifestyle does not help with adverse menstrual mood swings there are natural supplements that are available.

2: Alternative Approach:

Alternative approaches can involve several different therapies. Herbal supplements are the most prominent, though women may turn to other stress relieving techniques such as massage or acupuncture which may help stabilize mood. There are herbal supplements involving plant-base estrogen and non-estrogenic supplements. Although their effectiveness has not been medically proven, many women have reported relief from their menstrual mood swings after using them.
Even so some women do not get relief from either of the above. If this happens, you should consult their medical practitioner to discuss pharmaceutical options.

3: Pharmaceutical Options for Mood Swings

The most common drug therapy for treating mood swings in the US is hormone replacement therapy (HRT). This may be a quick and strong way to combat the underlying hormonal imbalance; but, unfortunately, it entails serious side effects and increases the risk of different types of cancer among women, as the following study has proven.

Wow, I can see making some lifestyle changes, but I have never trusted herbal supplements and pharmaceutical options are not really right for me at this time. Here's hoping for the lifestyle changes to help.

Anyone else?

This post is a little different from most of my other posts, but . . .

I don't understand something and I wonder how many others of you out there have this problem . . .

Okay, so the picture is over the top, but you got the idea.

I get really emotional and weepy when I am PMSing like other girls, but what is just as bad is that toward the end of my menses I get angry/irrational. I have to be really weird right? In my head, I should be glad that this curse is about to be over, for a few more weeks anyway, but that is never what happens. I am never thankful when it's over, I am a combination of angry/irrational and I don't completely understand why.

I get angry over things that I have every right to be angry about, but I take it a little further than I normally would. I even start beating myself up (emotionally). Those are the worst days of the month that I get down on myself about everything. I even know that I am getting carried away and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I don't have complete control over myself. This makes me wonder if I am the only one out there . . .

We all hear about moodiness in PMS (PreMS), but what about what I go through? Do any others out there suffer the same way? Is it just hormones, like I hope, or is it some further deep seated issue?

My typical cycle: About a week before I start at new cycle (a.k.a. get my period) I lose it. I get weepy over everything. This month I get extremely touchy about the fact that my girls didn't want to spend any time with me on Saturday. My hubby has been working on Saturdays and while this is good for our finances (sort of), it's hard on me. But to have my girls not even want to snuggle up and watch a movie, which was the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back. The following Thursday, I started my period. Friday (I think it was) my hubby and I got in an argument all because I was too sensitive. Then Sunday, I started feeling a little bit angry/irrational, but yesterday was bad and this morning, it's even worse.

At this particular moment, I am angry because I feel like my youngest is pushing every button that she can. (Acting up at the dinner table, refusing to do what she is told, and trying to get away with everything that she can.) Then, I am also sensitive about my weight, which won't budge for three months now. Add to that the fact that I don't feel attractive or like a good person in any way, shape, or form and I am about to lose my mind. Now, all of this has a little truth behind why I am angry, but I feel completely irrational about it.

Yes, most of the information that I found refers to PMS, not moodiness during or after menstruation. I did find some helpful information, though.

Apparently, the reason some women experience mood swings a few days before and after their period is due to hormone influx. Well, duh, but what is really behind it?

The causes of menstrual cycle changes & mood swings can be attributed to stress, overdoing things and fatigue, which can cause emotional instability. But physical causes for menstrual cycle changes & mood swings are much more prevalent. Hormones have a definite effect on your mental state. Because your menstrual cycle regulates serotonin levels in the brain, which manipulate your mood and sense of humor, hormones can produce mood swings. So, when your serotonin levels drop, your mood will worsen, and when they rise, your mood will improve. Imbalanced hormonal levels are the most common cause for menstrual cycle changes & mood swings.

Understanding why these mood swings occur is the key to being able to defeat this troublesome roller coaster of emotion.

As a woman's progesterone levels fall, they begin to experience menstrual mood swings. One type of moodiness is characterized by anxiety, irritability and mood swings. These feelings are usually relieved with the onset of bleeding. Most likely, this type relates to the balance between estrogen and progesterone. If estrogen predominates, anxiety occurs. If there's more progesterone, depression may be a complaint.

So, basically, this is normal? How many of you suffer like this?

How Can Someone I Never Knew Inspire Me To Be a Better Person?

Wow! I went to a beautiful funeral yesterday! I never had a chance to know by boss's partner, Deedee Wilkins, but she was obviously a beautiful person! The things that were said about her at her funeral were wonderful! She led a troubled life, she suffered from depression, much like I do, but the things that others said about her were amazing. They spoke of how much life she had in her, how much life she shared with others, how much love she showed others, and generally what a beautiful person she was. This really touched me.

As I mentioned, I suffer depression. I have been clinically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since I was 15 years old, after suffering sexual abuse at the hands of my father as a child. This is not a fact that I share, as a matter of fact, this is one of the reasons that I share so much detail about my life. I don't seek to hide the problems, it only gives them power. But back to the subject at hand.

Listening to Deedee's friends speak at her funeral got me to thinking about what people would say about me if I passed away right now. Honestly, I couldn't think of anything nice that they would say, though I am sure that there would something nice to be said of me, but nothing nearly as beautiful as what was said of Deedee. I am starting to think that God placed me on my path so that I went to this funeral and heard these things for a reason.

I have suffered a lot of anger in my life. And I do mean suffer. All that I have been through in my life has caused a lot of hurt, a lot of confusion on my part, and A LOT of anger. I like to think that generally, I am a decent person. I am hard working and stubborn, but I care about my friends and family. I, however, do let my anger get the better of me at times. I am not a hopeful person, I am more of a realistic person than most about how tough life can be. I take my commitment as a parent a little too seriously sometimes looking more at the outcome of my labor than at enjoying my daughters' childhood. Thus, I am not super affectionate towards my children and I often expect a little too much work out of them.

Recently, I have finally realized that God is working on my emotions. I think that he is trying to work on my healing. (Something that I have tried to do several times on my own with no success.) Maybe attending this beautiful funeral is a way of God reaching out to me and giving me some incentive. So, yes, this beautiful person, Deedee Wilkins, who I never had the chance to meet has inspired me to be a better person.