So Busy!

Okay, so I suck at posting over the last few years. I have been really busy with a rambunctious bouncing baby boy, 

a tween,

and a teenager!

 Ahhh! 

Then, when you add in all the illness that my house has gone through and everyone's change of careers [I am now a SAHM and my hubby is an ordained minister (yikes! I am still reeling from that one)], 

there doesn't seem to be a dull day! There also doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to take care of the kids, let alone myself. I hope to get better at posting, but please bear with me....

Thankful Thursday

This week, I am thankful to the Lord for:

-my hubby, as always

-for his healing so far and his continued healing

-for my oldest and all of her help around the house and with the baby

-for my youngest girl and her unending happy mood

-for the boy and for the ability to watch him grow and learn

-for the other M.O.M.s (Mother of faith Ministries) and their continued support through life, it is nice to have beautiful women to share life with

-for God's provision, continuously

-for the ability to stay home with my children this summer and spend time and life with them

-for the ability to practice my religion openly

-for goals and for my girls training to reach that goal with me (Color Run!)

Submission, Again.

Okay, so I am going to be one of those bloggers that I spoke of yesterday, see my post here.

Before I begin, though I do want to give fair warning. I am researching submission so that I can better figure out how to apply it to my life. I do not necessarily practice what I am preaching, yet, my goal is to research it and then apply it.

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When I got married, whether I knew it or not, one of the promises I made was to submit to my hubby out of reverence to Christ. (Even though I specifically left “obey” out of our vows.)

I’m going to share a bit with you about what I have found submission should look like in marriage.

Submission, and respect (since they go hand in hand), can be seen in little everyday things. Submission means choosing NOT to nag. It’s choosing NOT to complain to your girlfriends, or anyone else who will listen. Submission will humbly and gently address a perceived problem with your hubby. (One of my Sunday School teachers says that nagging is requesting something or bringing something up more than three times.) But, most of all, submission is continuing to ask for God’s help in doing the above (not the nagging) over and over again.

We live in a society where everything is now, now, now and me, me, me. Submission means looking outside of yourself and your wants. Submission means considering things from your hubby’s point of view, even if his point of view is what you want to see. It means setting aside yourself and, out of respect for God and your hubby, choosing to submit to your husband’s direction.

By being respectful & submissive to our hubby’s we can actually empower them to lead our families. That doesn’t mean we just sweep our own struggles under the carpet. It means that we thoughtfully, prayerfully, and humbly approach our hubbies with our struggles and trust them to make the best decision that he can (or wait for God’s decision).

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There will come times where major issues will weigh on your heart (i.e. whether or not to have more children, financial difficulties, etc.). Instead of trying to manipulate your hubby by nagging or bullying, the best thing that you can do is to pray about it. In wanting to submit to your hubby, you have to first surrender your heart to God, give Him your fears. Asked God to help you trust and respect your hubby and most of all, communicate humbly with your hubby.

This last part, I struggle with the most. In my marriage, I tend to bury things and when my hubby asks me what is wrong, I try to convince him and myself that everything is fine when it’s not. The biggest step for me, in submitting, would be to actually give him a respectful answer and humbly bring my problems to him.

Now, I would love to hear from you. What does submission look like in your marriage? What do you struggle the most with?

Submission - My Testimony

I have been reading a lot of marriage blogs lately and there is always a common theme, a theme for which a lot of these bloggers catch a lot of grief, a theme that has become taboo to talk about in the secular world.

That theme is Submission.

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I have been married for 3 1/2 years now and I still struggle with submission. I struggle with submission to my husband and to my God. But, I have felt compelled lately to share my experience with my struggle with submission.

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My husband and I met, dated for 6 months, were engaged, and married 4 months later. During our whirlwind "romance," we had a lot going on. I lost my job shortly into our relationship and then I suffered a bulging disc which made it difficult to even walk down the isle, not to mention the custody battle over my step-daughter.

Then, within the first year of our marriage, I underwent back surgery and just as I returned to work, I faced foreclosure on a house that I bought before we married.

When I faced foreclosure on my house, I spoke with my husband about it. He decided that it wasn't worth saving. We weren't living there, after all. 

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But, me being the liberated and independent woman that I am, decided that I just couldn't let "my" house go. I let my emotions and pride get in the way.

As a result, I ended up living separately from my hubby and filing bankruptcy in order to save "my" house. Now, I live in a house in a declining neighborhood, which isn't really big enough for my family, is probably worth far less than, is entirely too far from my girls' schools, and I really don't care for anymore.

Even worse, I emasculated my husband and forced him to do my bidding in order to save our marriage. For that, I don't think I will ever finish paying the price. That move has left a deep scar in my marriage and a definite confusion in our "proper roles." My hubby, being the man that he is, tries not to hold it against me, but every time that someone mentions submission, my spirit is convicted.

If I had only submitted to my husband, there is no telling where my family would be now, but there wouldn't be this scar etched deeply in my marriage.

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If I had even taken the time to pray and truly seek God's guidance, whether through prayer or his Word, I am sure that I would have been convicted to submit my will to my husband.

So, while submission is a taboo topic in today's world, it is definitely a topic that needs to be addressed, especially for young couples.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-33)     

So, what is the point of sharing all of this? My point is that, if I had submitted to my husband in this matter, then I would not be suffering the consequences. So, I caution all married women to truly seek guidance through prayer and through scripture when dealing with an issue involving submission.

And remember that, yes, the husband is to love his wife sacrificially, but as we all have learned, we (women) can't control our men. It is up to God to convict him. All you can control is your own decisions and actions.

        

Follow up

When I last wrote, I confessed that God has been convicting me to give all to my marriage, but that I had been unable to do so.

I had a secret that I had not shared. A hurtful thought that had been festering for almost a year and a half. 

I eventually sought counseling and my counselor gave me a homework assignment....confess my hurt to my husband.

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It took almost a week to finally do it. And, let me tell you that was the worst week! I was hurt, I was angry at having to do it, I was short-tempered, I was passive aggressive. And, what for?

For fear. For fear of my hubby's reaction. For fear of feeling rejected when he laughed at me. For fear of the unknown.

But, it all ends happily. I confessed my hurt to my hubby and he helped to heal it.

Now, I am no fool...I gave Satan a foothold for too long, I am sure that he will try to use my hurt against me in the future, but thanks to my hubby, I no longer think about it every day. And why?

Because I finally submitted. I submitted to my hubby by telling him, although everything in me said no. I submitted to God by doing what he has been convicting me to do, even though he had to use a counselor to finally get it out of me.

Confession

Okay, so Sunday just seems like a good day to post about this....

Months ago, before I took a break from writing, I admitted that everything was pointing me towards working on my marriage...well, STUBBORN woman that I am (and yes, it does deserve all caps), I have not been able to bring myself to do it.

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I just want to make one thing clear....I don't have a bad marriage. I have a bad attitude, a lot of pain, and a lot of anger, but not a bad marriage. My husband is a good  man who works hard to provide for our family and, on top of that, he is currently participating in the Love Dare.

Now, this is not a goody-two-shoes post about how I am now going to let go and let God do what he needs to with me. I wish it was....

This is a confession....I love my husband, there is no doubting that, but I have not been very trusting. I have not been very trusting of him or of Him. Yes, my stubborn refusal to follow where God is leading is showing a lack of trust in Him; I realize this. And, I wish that I could say that I am now ready to leg go and submit.

The honest truth is that...I am not. I can feel Him tugging at me more and more, but I have to ease into this. There has just been too much hurt in my life that I am still trying to heal from. But, I keep trying to work on myself when the Lord keeps telling me to work on my marriage....and this just isn't working as easy as I would like.

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I am learning that for every opportunity, there is a season of preparation...and as I look back on my life, I can see quite a bit of preparation, but I am still somewhat blind to all the opportunities.

So, I am confessing that I am too stubborn to fully submit. I am confessing that it often takes God knocking me on my butt to get me to listen. I am confessing that I have major trust issues. So, keep me in your prayers.

Hello Again...

Okay, so, it's been a WHILE since I last wrote.

I have taken some much needed time off from writing. I needed to step back from blogging on senseless things, or what I had felt had become senseless things and center my focus on me, and, most importantly, God.

Unfortunately, I have spent a lot of time and energy in continuing in my stubborn ways. Unable to relinquish control. That is something that I still need to work on.

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Anyways, I have struggled a lot the first part of this year, but have come out better.

I finally broke down and told my husband that I could no longer attend our old church. While it is a great church, it really was not the place for me. I always left it feeling like I was sincerely missing something, a sense of community. I felt like an outsider looking in. Now, whether this was my fault or the church's, we may never know, but one thing was clear, it simply wasn't the place for me.

The hubby and I did some looking around and found another church, a sister church, that seems to be a good fit. We have been attending for about a month now and have really felt God's word flow from the pastor and love from the youth minister when my oldest started having suicidal ideations again. (Yes, we are going back down that road, but we seem to have better support this time around. Or maybe I am just better prepared to handle it.) Now, I have joined the Women's ministry for Wednesday night service and I look forward to going to a Thursday night service that is going to open up very soon. I seem to be getting plugged in and I like feeling like there are people around me.

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Since Christmas, I have also been reading a book on Anger. As I have written before, I suffer from a lot of Anger. I want to learn how to conquer it because I can't keep living with it. It is damaging, not only my mental health, my patience, my parenting, but now my body seems to be suffering as well. So, there will be more on that later this week.

Also, this year, the hubby and I have both started making healthier food choices and even exercising. I am proud to announce that I have lost 10 lbs since January 2nd, but the hubby has lost a whopping 23 lbs!

I Hear You!

Okay Lord, I hear you. It is through the blogs that I hear you, but I hear you!

I get the same general message from the blogs that I read...work on your marriage, don't give up. I get that there is something there that He wants me to clue in to but my flesh doesn't want to hear it.

Everyone has started writing posts on how to improve your marriage, how to be a better wife, or how to help you husband step into his role.

I think that the Lord is sending me a message to let go and let him deal with my problems, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to. My flesh tells me that I am constantly getting the short end of the stick and shouldn't just accept it. Unfortunately, God keeps telling me to lay my burdens on Him.

My struggle is that I have a lot of burdens, I always have. I was born to abusive and alcoholic parents. I have been through two step mothers, foster care, single parenthood....basically, I have been through Hell and back, but I can't seem to escape. As much as I praise the Lord for bringing me through trials,  I can't seem to let go and let him take the lead before or during my trials.

But, Who Do You Say That I Am?

Wow, this is a hard question for me to answer. Being an immersed christian, you wouldn't think that it this would be a hard question for me, but I have been facing a crisis in my spiritual life.

I know who I am supposed to say that HE is. I know who it is that I proclaim HIM to be, but who is it that I accept HIM to be? Who is it that I let HIM be in my life?

If I am being completely honest, I don't let HIM be all that HE should be in my life. HE should be my LORD and savior. The savior part, I am good with. It's the LORD part that I have trouble with.

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Maybe it stems from my trust issues as the survivor of childhood abuse and neglect, maybe it is the constant influence of the world, which tells me that I have to be strong and independant, and maybe those are all excuses. I really don't know. But I do know that I have a hard time submitting to anyone, even my LORD. This has become a BIG stumbling block for me as I am now a wife and commanded to submit to my husband.

One of God's commands is for a wife to submit to her husband. But, how do I submit to my husband and trust that he will do what is right for me? Where is the line between me watching out for myself and surviving in this world and submitting to my husband? How do I submit to someone else and still be me? Can you see how my trust issues play a big role here?

Honestly, this question has hung so heavily as of late that I am have found myself pulling back from church. I have found myself telling my husband that I can no longer help with the children's sunday school class that we teach and even going so far as to tell him that I won't attend church.

So many doubts....so many hurts in my life....how can I step out in trust now?

A good sign is the fact that I am finally putting my thoughts to "paper" so now, maybe I can find small ways to start stepping out.

My first step is to immerse myself in HIS word. Then, we will see where he leads from there...

Question

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Okay, so I am tired of all these blogs looking like everyone has a great life and everything is hunky dory. Life is not that way.

Today, I have a question to pose to you...

If a father is the first example of God/Christ that a child/girl encounters, then who/what is her husband? Historically, a husband takes the place of a father (and then some) after you get married. If, as I have often heard, a father is the first example of God that a girl encounters, then what about her husband?

Yes, yes....I know some of the scripture. At least those that are most often quoted:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

 But that doesn't answer my question...is it possible that if one already has a distorted view of a father/daughter relationship and thus her relationship with God, where does a husband fall in there? Can he make it worse? Can a woman unknowingly put him in that place?

And, most importantly, how do you fix it? Her distorted view of God, that is?

Trials vs. Faith

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The hubby and I attended a new Sunday school class this week and they had an interesting lesson. It was a lesson on the relationship between the trials in your life and your faith, or the development thereof.

Many of us, Christians included, view trials as either a punishment or an attack from the devil. But, I would like to propose a different way of looking at these trials.

Could a trial in our life be an attack from the devil? Could the trials that we face be a punishment from God? Could it be possible that the trials in our life are just the consequences of the choices that we make? Yes, yes, and yes.

What if the trials that we undergo in our life are used for a different reason? What if the trials in our life are used to develop our faith? Is this possible? I believe that it is.

Think about it. Think about the trials that you have faced. I know that before I faced trials in my life (real trials), I thought of God, the Father, as a concept. Yes, he cares for me. Yes, he loves me. But, it’s never as real as it is during or after a trial.

I am guilty as the next person of trying to face my trials alone. Yet, even when I think that I have, when I look back, I see the footprints in the sand. I see where God carried me through, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. When I see that, my heart aches with love, His love.

Look at the trials in your own life. What do you think? Could your trials have been used to grow your faith and bring you closer to our glorious God?

I am a Martha

I was just reading a great post by Christian Stay at Home Moms called But What if I'm a Martha?  I really like the post, but it reminds me all over again that I am a Martha. I am the type of person who gets caught up in the details of no matter what I do.

It definitely applies to my walk with Christ, but it also applies to other areas of my life as well. I can't sit back and enjoy anything because I almost always get wrapped up in the little things that need to be done.

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When my daughter was an infant, I was home with her and could enjoy the day to day life with a baby. But, as she grew, I went to school and at one point, I was in school full-time, worked full-time, and was a single mom. Needless to say, I don't remember too many details from those years. Now that I have a husband and a step daughter, I find myself constantly researching things, studying things (including my Bible), or reminiscing. It's always the little things...

So, how do I become more like Mary? How do I learn how to enjoy the big things and still balance the little things...the day to day things...the cleaning...the organizing...etc, etc, etc?

Psalm 73

 ¹ Surely God is good to Israel,
   to those who are pure in heart. 
² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
   I had nearly lost my foothold.
³ For I envied the arrogant
   when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
⁴ They have no struggles;
   their bodies are healthy and strong.
⁵ They are free from common human burdens;
   they are not plagued by human ills...
¹² This is what the wicked are like—
   always free of care, they go on amassing wealth...
¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
   it troubled me deeply
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
   then I understood their final destiny.
 ¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
   you cast them down to ruin... 
²¹ When my heart was grieved
   and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.
²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever...

 Reading Psalm 23 really spoke to me today. But it also had me questioning my own motives.

I am definitely the person in the beginning of this Psalm. I have slipped because of my own jealousy.  I have slipped when I look at the seemingly easy life that nonbelievers have. I look at those people who step on others without a backward glance on their way up and I wonder what it would be like to be them. But, then I have too much of a heart for that. (Wow, I guess I do let some of the love of Jesus shine from me. Something I never thought that I was good enough at.)

But, I have to say, I have never understood why others can have seemingly anything they want while some of us struggle and work and everything crumbles around us. I am just going to come out and say it. Why is it that some people have no heart, step on everyone they can, live in a big house, have the kids they want, have the careers they want, and seem to not have a care in the world. Then there are others of us who struggle. We live in houses barely big enough for our families, we struggle with raising the children we have, and yet all those struggles seem to be for naught sometimes. Heck, we even struggle with ourselves, our ego, our self-image, our bodies, our everything.

What worries me is that the good Christians that I know are confident in where they will end up and they don't worry so much about this world. So, then why do I? Does this mean I am not a "good Christian"? Shouldn't I be more focused on laying at the feet of Jesus and less on what this world may think of me? What is it about me that won't let go and let God?

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And yet, "...you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory." I can't forget that part!

The Bible Really is Applicable Today

Deuteronomy 8:11-18

¹¹ Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees... ¹² Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, ¹⁴ then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God... ¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness...to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” ¹⁸ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth...

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 Wow, this echoes my life! As I look back at my life, God had led me through the desert of my childhood, through the neglect and abuse. He fed me manna (His love) so that it might go well with me. But, as I grew and overcame obstacles (being a single parent, working full-time, and going to school); I forgot that it was His strength that brought me through. I took pride in the fact that I, an under 30 single mom had graduated college, worked full-time, and had even bought a house for me and my daughter.

Then, the bottom fell out. I am not saying that all trials or bad things in this life are punishments. I am not even saying that losing my job three years ago was a punishment. I do, however, believe that difficult times are/can be used to bring you closer to God.

I still struggle day to day. Over the last three years, I have struggled with anger, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I still do.  But, I have also come home. God, I feel, is still working on humbling me. Unfortunately, I am too stubborn to give in. (And, yes, I know this, but it's something I don't usually recognize until it's in the rear view mirror.) But, it's wonderful to feel His love, even when I am falling apart.

 

Confession

Wow! It is super easy to get sucked into the World!

I have always been against cheating. I, myself, have never cheated on a boyfriend/fiance/husband, but I have been cheated on by all but four of my boyfriends. I am the type of person who can't even look at another man when I am in a relationship. But...

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I have a friend. (really, this is a friend/acquaintance of mine). She is in a really bad relationship. This guy of hers has cheated on her, disregardful her feelings, lied to her, hides his Facebook account from her, etc. etc. etc. As I friend, I am concerned for her and would like to see the relationship end, but it's not my decision and I try to be as honest and yet, as supportive as I can. But...

Yesterday, this friend came to me and confided that she has been talking to an ex. This is a guy she has been off again, on again with for a while. This is also a guy who has a girlfriend, but my friend was very tempted to step out on her guy to be with this other.

As a Christian, I am not supposed to support premarital sex, although I have had enough of my own. I am not supposed to support infidelity, but I found myself highly curious how her situation would play out. I talked with her at length about why I thought she was seeking to step out on her guy, but I definitely didn't condemn what she was considering doing.

Whoever says to the guilty, “You are innocent,”
   will be cursed by peoples and denounced by nations.
But it will go well with those who convict the guilty,
   and rich blessing will come on them.
                                                    - Proverbs 24: 24-25

Essentially, I was supportive even though I don't believe in what she was doing. I partly want to see her guy get hurt the way he has hurt her and I partly wanted to see her relationship end. But, that is not my call to make and I shouldn't have gone along with it.

How do I Create Faith That Lasts?

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I keep running across articles talking about how to create faith that lasts in your children. My problem... I have a hard time with my own faith. Granted, I haven't turned my back on God since I was a struggling teenager, but still...I can't seem to follow and fully trust God and his plan for my life.

Day to day I struggle. I struggle in everything. Some days I struggle to get up. I struggle as a parent. I struggle as a wife. I struggle as an employee. I struggle with finances. I struggle with sleeping. I struggle with everything. I struggle to pray. I struggle to attend church. I definitely struggle teaching Sunday School. I struggle with friendships. I struggle with acquaintances. It may sound impossible, but I struggle with e v e r y t h i n g.

I don't understand why everything has to be such a struggle, but it is. There are times where I just put my nose to the grindstone and I tune out the struggle (even though that is typically when I am struggling the most), but the struggle never ends.

When I was young, I wanted to be a mother, but I also knew that this world is a horrible place for people. I had all but decided not to have any kids because of what a horrible place it is. But, I hoped. When I found out I was pregnant, I hoped that I could protect my kid from the horrors that I grew up with and maybe she would have a happy life. I was wrong and it's breaking my heart.

So, how can I try to instill in her a faith in Christ that lasts when I struggle myself? I struggle constantly. I struggle with my lot in life. I struggle with submitting ( I can't do it). I struggle with praying. I struggle to hear God (and I have never been able to).

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I read books. I read Christian books. I attend church on a regular basis. I go to a Sunday School class and I keep up with the prayer requests and the snack list, but I am not really plugged in. I have been trying for three years now to read my bible. I tried going to a bible study class, but with all the women in there, I was an outsider and eventually gave up on that. I don't know where else to turn. I don't know what to do...

*Sorry, this post has no answer.

Christian with Anger

Yes, that is me. I know...I know. That is not how it is supposed to be. If I am truly a Christian then I should be filled with the Spirit and beaming with the joy and love of Jesus.

So, what's my problem? If I could answer that, I would be in this situation. However, the closest that I can come to an answer is that I am either too stubborn or too comfortable with the familiar to change. Or, it's a combination of both (more likely).

I can go days without being angry at the world in general. There are days where I can feel love beaming from my chest and I am really proud of myself. Then, there are days when I could just tear the head off of anyone who crosses my path. Lately, I am very proud of myself. A lot of my anger is now being successfully restrained from my children. (Mind you, I was never an abusive person, but I was definitely not satisfied with anything.) Unfortunately for my husband, this anger is restrained from my kids, but that means that he bears more of it himself, and that's not fair.

Mind you, this has been something difficult for me to admit. To admit that I have anger is to admit that I am not filled with joy. Yes, I am a fallible human being. I am a survivor of a lot of crud and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. But, I am tired of giving anger so much power over me. So yes, I am a Christian with anger.

To Whom Shall I go?

Okay, to piggy back on my post Christianity Serves Us, Andy Stanley made another good point. When Christianity no longer serves us well, when we enter those seasons where Christianity costs more than it serves, we tend to turn away. 

I have noticed that a lot of testimonies include that: I was a Christian, I lost faith, but now I am back. I have that in my journey.

I was saved at seven years old, but during the years that I suffered abuse at the hands of my father I considered myself an atheist. I believed that if there was a loving God, then he wouldn’t allow something like this to happen to me. So, the only logical conclusion was that there was no God. But, you know, I had to convince myself of that for a long time. When I stopped trying to convince myself of that, I naturally fell back into a spiritual belief. And by the time I was 16, I was baptized and had "come back" to Christianity.

But, just as Peter said to Jesus. "To whom shall we go?" When we turn away from Jesus, to whom shall we go? When we walk away from Jesus, we walk toward something or someone else. Now, some people will insert things in here like: "I am more spiritual than a member of an organized religion." "I turn to Buddha." "I became Wicca." Etc.

The Bible is very clear, though. God says that if we turn away from Jesus, then we turn away from him too. If we don’t follow God, then we must follow Satan.

"Lord, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of everlasting life"

I have my two cents here . . . If you are an atheist and believe there is no God, then something of the world takes that place of worship. It could be your love of the planet, your children, your addiction to drugs, your addiction to adrenaline (the adrenaline you get from stealing or lying or seeing how much you can get away with). So, my natural conclusion is that if you turn from Jesus, then you turn to Satan. Even if it is just a little, it’s enough to condemn you if you don’t turn back.

Yesterday, I spoke of the strong moral compass that the Holy Spirit instilled in me. When I think of the trials in my life over the last few years, and the influences that I have around me, if I did not have that internal moral compass (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) that I do, then I may have made some decisions that would have really messed up my life. I would have turned from Jesus and his teachings and got sucked into any number of situations that Satan has waiting for me. Honestly, the worst of which (and the easiest to have fallen into) would be that I could be going through a divorce. I could have devastated myself, my daughter, my stepdaughter, my husband and started any number of negative chains of events in their lives, my life, and the lives around us. But I did not and am not. You know why? Because . . .

"To whom shall (I) go?" John 6:68

Christianity Serves Us.

While listening to this great program by Andy Stanley called Shocking Statements of Jesus, he made a great point that I had never, ever considered. (Well, several points, really, but we will start with one.)

" Christianity serves us. "

Christianity serves us? What? Isn't Christianity all about serving others? Well, think about it . . . A Christian tends to have good friends, lie less, doesn't steal, and stays out of serious trouble. You know what? He was right.

I was saved at the young age of seven. I was raised by a sexually abusive father and an alcoholic/drug addict mother, How else can you explain my life? Christianity has served me well. I never got sucked into drugs. I did not grow up and into a promiscuous life, as is common with those who have suffered the childhood that I have. I made fairly good decisions for my life, even at a young age. (At the age of 15, I opted to remain in foster care instead of living with my mom. This sounds weird but was a good decision for a very impressionable and hurting teenager.)

To this day, I don't see much worldly moral influence in my life at a young age. My mom was the best mom that she was capable of being, but she was a drug addict and alcoholic. My father had high "family values," but molested his own daughter. I had some good teachers, but I was an army brat and from a broken home, I stayed no where for more than a year at a time. The Holy Spirit gets all the credit for my moral compass. He moved into my heart at the age of seven and guided me well. So, yes, Christianity has served me well.

If it wasn't for Christianity, I wouldn't have the life I do. Yes, my life has problems, but consider my childhood and consider my life now. I am married to a stable and dependable man. I have a loving, compassionate, and responsible daughter. I have had tremendous positive influence in my stepdaughter (not indicating that her daddy didn't, by any means). My husband and I own a house and a piece of property. We live in a decent area and are working toward building a good house on our property. Seriously! What else could I need?

Yes, Christianity has served me well.

Forgiving Ourselves

The Bible says:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
(Psalm 103)

How far the East is from the West

So God forgives us our sins and places then as far as the east is from the west...and who would know better how far that is than God, the one who created all and the only one who truly how far the east is from the west!

So why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Granted God is all powerful, might Lord, but still, should we be able to forgive ourselves even if we can't necessarily forget...

I struggle daily with forgiveness. It's part of me...the guilt, the pain, the anger. Granted, it's not part of what God made in me, and I am sure it is not His will for me to have it there, but nonetheless...I struggle.

I feel anger over things that we done to me, though I have forgiven most. I feel pain over what I have experienced in my life. But, most of all I feel guilt. Day in and day out...I can't seem to forgive myself. Where else would guilt come from if not from my own inability to forgive myself.

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Being both the wronged and the wrongdoer places us in the position to be able to reject the forgiveness and we often do because we are experiencing guilt and believe that we deserve more punishment.

But this guilt comes from Satan. Guilt leaves us looking back, and while we're busy focusing on the past, it's difficult to move forward with Christ, the one who died for us. We condemn ourselves and we focus on this because our transgression was so great. This is how we are trapped and rendered no threat to Satan because we are no longer focused on Christ.

If we fail to forgive ourselves, what we are saying is that we have a more stringent standard of justice than God's and by our standard, we are not worthy of forgiveness. In other words, we know better than God.

What does that say about Christ's sacrifice? What message do we send to God? So, while I don't know all the answers, apparently forgiving myself is a good step to take. Now, to figure out exactly how to do that...