This is one of the hardest articles that I have written, so bear with me.
(Seriously, it has taken three days to compose it, so far.) I want to be careful not to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also feel that it is important that I write on this subject.
I must admit that not all of these feelings are mine, however I do have those moments or even those days where I do share some of these feelings. There are moments where I picture my husband with his previous wife. How happy was he? Why does it seem at times that she must have gotten the best of him? She got to experience being a newly wed, why don't I? And I felt alone with these feelings until I started doing my research.
A little background information: me and my husband have been married for 11 months. This is my first marriage, and his third. We each have children, him from a previous marriage, and I came into our relationship as a single mom. I suffer guilt from hurting someone who wasn't good for me in the past and my husband was seriously wronged by both of his ex-wives. So, we each have our own baggage.
One of the things that has been hardest for me as a second wife
(or the third, in my case) is the fact that my husband had a child with his ex. I have a child as well, and this makes our little family even more complex. The difference: my husband was married to his wife when she bore their child and for two years after, I was not. I did it all alone. As time went on and I raised my daughter, I wanted to get married and have a baby the "right way." I wanted to give my next child the daddy who would sing to my belly, the one who would go out for food when I got cravings, who would help with the baby when it came. Now, that dream is gone, but I can't help but look at my step-daughter and be somewhat jealous. She was born into everything that I wanted for my future children. She is a constant reminder that my husband has been through everything that I had dreamed of, but he has been through it with another woman.
My husband shares a special bond with his daughter that often leaves me feeling like the fifth wheel. Apparently, many second wives feel this way, they often feel that they
(and their children) have to play "second-fiddle" to the children from the first marriage. I never expected to face jealousy over the time my husband spends with his child. Let's face it, I may be mature, but we are I am also human. Apparently though, I shouldn't beat myself up over this one. These situations leave the "new wife," like me, feeling hurt, alone, and confused. Bitterness can build in her if she is neglected. A second wife can become incredibly resentful of her step-children, and it is taboo for her to discuss this topic with anyone. Many women feel so guilty about the subject that they only allow it to eat at them rather than properly addressing the issue. And often, men don't understand what is eating at their wives.
Beyond this, a second wife might wonder what it was about the first wife that her husband loved. Even if he doesn't, she might compare herself to his ex. (If we are all honest, the husband cannot help but compare his second wife with his first one.) She may dwell on what others say about the first wife and compare herself, even if she is not like the first wife at all. She often feels that she is living in someone else's shadow and it's either a shadow that she can't live up to or it is a shadow that she does everything that she can to avoid.
Like me, for instance, I hear so many complaints about my husband's ex that I constantly compare myself to her and try my best to avoid being anything like her even though some traits that they complain about in her are natural in me. This often leaves me feeling torn and like I have to live up to others expectations instead of living my own life.
One might think that there would be advantages to being the second wife. After all, wouldn't the man have learned from his mistakes and be a better husband the second time around? But, even if he did learn a few things the first time around, there are other factors that come into play, such as the past. No matter how much we try to move on, the past still lingers and issues and feeling get buried instead of dealt with. These issues will come to the surface from time to time to rear their ugly head.
Even if the first wife was "bad", the second one does not get an easy ride. She may have to prove to others and to herself that she won't turn out to be like the first one. This is unfair but it happens a lot and adds emotional burdens by having to overcome an obstacle she did not even create.
Numerous emotional and personality traits are involved in running the family as a second wife, when children are in picture. In my situation, I have welcomed my step-daughter into my heart and loved her just as I would any child of mine.
(Sometimes it gets a little tough in that I am not her "real" mom, so I am limited and hindered in my parenting of my step-daughter, but I love her just as my own.) When a lot of other factors come into play, such as to what extent the husband is able to accept and relate to the children of his second wife, how the children (of both sides) are able to adjust with the others, there are simply too many factors involved in assessing the challenges to be faced by the second wife.
Unless the woman who becomes a second wife has very high mental maturity, a very large and loving heart and extreme levels of patience (and I can guarantee that I do not possess these qualities)
, she will not be able to walk through the knife edge of second marriage without getting emotionally hurt.
Let's face it, marriage, in and of itself, is challenging. And second marriages? Well, they can be downright difficult at times. Statistically, approximately 67% of them end in divorce, and the numbers climb even higher for third and fourth marriages. Certainly, there are legitimate reasons for this.
The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.
While the challenges of a second marriage cannot be ignored, as with everything else, knowledge is power. By being aware of some of the pitfalls of going into a second marriage, the chances of success can increase.
One of the challenges that I never expected to face, or even thought of was the lack of a honeymoon phase. As a second wife, there's an immediate jump into family life, with all of its challenges and upsets. There's not a whole lot of time for you to be alone with just your spouse. That's why it's imperative that you establish a date night for yourselves on a regular basis, just the two of you. This challenge completely blind-sided me and has thus made my first year of marriage almost feel like a failure. I got married knowing that we each had children but thinking that we would still make time for each other and that naturally that "newly wed" feeling would be there. That happiness was something that I looked forward to. You see, I have been robbed of a lot of things in my life (my childhood, for example) so being robbed of the honeymoon phase really hit me hard.
Certainly, overcoming the obstacles faced by second marriages is something to be proud of, and well worth the effort.
I did not write this article to put anyone down, nor did I write it to discourage anyone from getting married, but I did need to write it to sort out my own feelings and to let those out there suffering some of these feelings know that they aren't alone. I also wrote it for those contemplating a second marriage. Maybe you can enter your marriage with your eyes wide open and thereby face these trials with knowledge. After all, knowledge is power.
