Monday, January 24, 2011

Feelings of Unworthiness

Okay, I have to get my feelings out somewhere. I know that I have most recently only been suffering back pain for two weeks, but those who know me know that I went through a horrible experience with it only a year ago. Now I am facing it again. All of those old feelings have reared their ugly head.

After two weeks, already, I feel like less of a person. I can't be the wife that I want to be. I can't be cuddly with my husband. I am constantly getting in trouble and feeling belittled for trying to do normal activities, like carrying the laundry.

Going through this last time, pushed me to the brink of my existence. There were times that I actually considered ending it all. (Luckily, I am too smart for that.) But how can I do that again? It was one thing to make it through the first time. But to have only been pain free for a year and now I know what I am in for. Months and months of pain, watching my family do but never being able to participate, feeling isolated and all alone in my struggle.

Worst of all is that I still haven't recovered from the religious doubts that got the better of me last time. How can I face it again? How can I convince myself that God does love me? I know (in my head) that he does, but I don't feel it anymore. There was a time when I just blissfully went through my life with assurance that God would help/protect/provide for me. Now, I have a hard time reminding myself of that. And it's not just "the world's not going how I like, so there must not be a God." It's more of an all consuming pain, an emotional and physical war on me; a situation where I don't understand what I did to deserve the life I have. I try desperately not to doubt God and his love, but how can I not? And my back pain isn't all of it, there are or has been a lot of other things in my life that have led me to where I am now, but I don't know where to turn. I can't afford to seek professional counseling, although I desperately need it. Even if I could, I hesitate to seek counseling outside of my religion, I am too vulnerable right now and could easily be led astray. It would bee too easy for me slip into some old thought patters of "if there were a God, he wouldn't let this happen to me." So where do I go? My only hope right now if to just make it one day at a time.

Didn't mean to dump it all out there, but I had to dump it somewhere or it's going to consume me.

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