Every Sunday, I am not a nice person. I am cranky, I am crabby, I am absorbed in all that is wrong with my life. Talking to my husband during an exercise in church today, I realized one thing. I don't have joy. I don't have the joy that a Christian is supposed to have. I flippantly commented to my husband that when I appear to be happy, it's just because I am better at covering up my misery at that moment. As I thought more and more about that statement, I started to realize the truth of it. I spend so much time focusing on all that is wrong with my life (and there is plenty), I have a hard time grasping any joy. But that is not how a Christian is supposed to be...
Then I started reflecting on my attitudes on Sundays. As I mentioned, it's not normally good. I don't understand it. I am in a good church, by all appearances. But usually I feel lost in a sea of people. There are some people who notice me here and there, but even on the key issues, I can't get the leaders to recognize. (For example: when I wanted to place my membership with the church, I email the pastor to find out how and never got a response, so eventually I just started claiming to be a member. Now, my daughter wants to get baptized and a week after emailing the person that she wanted to do it, I got a two minute conversation and was told he would catch up with me later which didn't happen, yet.) All of that aside, I am in a church that feeds me, even if I am inconspicuous. But there is something wrong. Why can't I escape this evilness that develops in my personality every Sunday.
I came up with one answer (which is unusual for me). I can't hide from God. I can put on a happy face most of the rest of the week and fool others. But maybe, just maybe, God is showing me that I can't fool him. He knows me, He knows my thoughts, He knows my struggles, but most importantly He knows my pain and my anger. How great to have a God like that! It has taken months and months for me to catch on, but that is exactly what he is showing me.
Now, if I could only get past my own pride and hear what I am supposed to do with these things!