A Mom with Social Anxiety

Okay, so I have thought about posting a blog on this subject and, admittedly, a friend of mine sort of spurred me into going ahead and getting to work on it, as well as some discussion in my Sunday school class. I went to Sunday school a few days ago and our teacher/head of the class spoke of Mary and Martha. Yes, it ended with a call to try to be "a Mary in a Martha world.” His point was that we should reach out to others more. He did point out the good things about being a “Martha” and how we need “Martha’s” in the world. We need those people behind the scenes planning and making sure that things get done. But, we should strive to be more like “Mary” in that we should be happy just to sit at the feet of Jesus, to share his word and his example. Part of this example would be reaching out to others. Can you think of Jesus as avoiding any person or situation? No, he welcomed sinners and outcasts and faced every challenge head on.

I am very much a “Martha.” I prefer to stay in the shadows and do the work necessary. That is where I am comfortable. No one is paying attention to me and, yes, I may miss out on some teachings and/or discussions, but I don’t risk others taking notice of me.

I have tried several times to be more social. I have tried going to outings and/or missions with our class, however I always leave feeling ignored. Even in class a lot of the time, I feel like an outsider. I struggle constantly to be more of a “Mary” but it is so far outside of my comfort zone. I will go to outings/gatherings, but my inhibitions of drawing attention to myself causes me to be lost in a corner somewhere.

This is not unique to my Sunday school class. I even struggle with attending family gatherings. I always have. I am uncomfortable around people, always fearing judgment and rejection. I struggle with myself to attend a family gathering constantly not wanting to go, merely because of my inhibitions, but family loyalty often wins out and I have a nice time with a group of people who knows me well. It is different with other outings, though. I tend to keep people at a distance, fearing rejection, so no one knows me and I inevitably get lost in the background.

My Sunday school teacher’s response to social anxiety is to step outside your boundaries. But no one, but me, knows how often I have tried and failed. How many times I have tried hard in my own little way. For me it is a serious effort just to attend a gathering, it may not seem like much to others, but for me it takes a lot of energy and effort. Yet I inevitable leave these gathering feeling ignored and rejected because I kept myself in the shadows.

I have suffered a lot in my life. I have been rejected by those, who in most people’s life, should never reject them and it has caused me some serious social anxiety. It wasn’t until doing research for this post that I realized how long I have suffered. I never knew that my habit of not eating lunch in middle school is a sign of social anxiety. Many of you would not believe that someone could suffer from social anxiety that long, but when you suffer neglect and abuse throughout your life, especially as a child, it causes some serious issues.

The few friends that I have made have commented to me that when they first interacted with me or first viewed me, in college classes, I appeared to be a snob because I didn’t really interact with others. By the grace of god, I got to know them better and gained some life long friends. But who knows how many people view me this way and thus choose not to interact with me at all.

I don't know how to make new girlfriends because I'm too afraid to ask to hang out. I've always had these voices in me that says they're going to think I'm desperate if I ask someone to get together, or what if they do stick around a while and learn my past? I never really did anything bad in my past, it is what has been done to me, but still, it is shameful.

I've been this way as long as I remember. Even in Elementary school, I'd play on the playground a lot by myself, in middle school I kept to myself, except for one really good friend, in high school I only made friends with the seniors every year and I wonder now if they just took pity on me and tried to take me under their wing because I seemed so pathetic. I have on and off depression and it effects me a lot. Those who don’t know me of ten don’t notice because I am really good at putting on a good front. But eventually, some people get to know the real me, the one who struggles from day to day, the one who needs lots of comforting sometimes, the one who is really broken.

Now, I am the mother of a 4th grader with ADHD who has always been socially awkward, however she is starting to show some signs of social anxiety as well. How do I help her with something that I suffer so tremendously from? How do I help us both? I try to coach her on how to be near and/or approach others, but it is hard and I worry a lot. Children with ADHD often don’t understand boundaries and get in peoples faces without realizing that it makes others uncomfortable. I fear that as she has grown, my daughter has missed learning some of the social cues that others give off and now she is starting to be anxious about making friends.

What do I do? She has been in daycare since she was a year and a half old, so she got a lot of socialization. When she reached school age, she started in the public school system, with lots of chances at making friends there. Now, we go to church twice a week and I have even enrolled her in soccer. She is excited about all of these activities, so I don’t believe I am overloading her in socializing her, but what else can I do? Sometimes she just comes home cranky and some of it stems from the fact that she doesn’t feel like she has any friends.

I just have to take it one day at a time and help as best as I can. (Oh, and research, lots and lots of research.)