Is It Better for Mom or Dad to Talk to Daughter About Sex?

Okay, we are soooo not there yet with my oldest daughter, but a news report this morning caused me to question this.

Is it better for Mom or Dad to talk to daughter about sex?

The short answer: both.

Neither one of my parents ever talked to me about sex. My mother's information was inserted when she had to sign off on my second year of "sex ed" when I was in the 5th grade. All that I remember about that was that she told me what oral sex was. My father opted to show me about sex rather than tell me. So, you can see how I might need a little research before thinking about talking to my daughter on this subject.

As I understand it, most of my generation can remember the awkward moments when our parents tried to set us down and give us information on the ‘birds and the bees.’ Most of those times, the child knew all about sex before the conversation ever happened. They had already learned about it from their peers and the media.

The best advise that I have heard is this: "If sex is an awkward and embarrassing conversation for you, then sex will always be embarrassing and shameful in your child’s mind. You need to tell them what it is and what standards you expect for them early so that when their old they won’t be embarrassed about talking to you. They will feel that it’s a safe subject to talk about with mom and dad.”

My husband and I are both Christians and yes, I didn't exactly follow all the "rules" where sex is concerned, thus my oldest child was born out of wedlock. I want to share with my daughter that sex needs to be between a husband and wife. Within that committed relationship it’s okay and wonderful.

I have given my daughter bits and pieces of information throughout her life, mainly for her own protection (and luckily, for the protection of a dear friend, but more on that another time...). I never thought that I should be talking to her all about sex, but it makes sense, if you set a foundation for the conversation early, then she won't think of it as a big deal to talk later. She won't hesitate to ask if she has a question. If we set the foundation for her young, and as she’s old she’ll have a healthier view of sex.

When talking to your child, keep in mind:

• It’s okay to be nervous, but you have to let them go. Your kids need to feel as if it’s okay to ask questions.

• Use the “proper” name for the body parts.

• Explain to them that most of their peers may or may not have had this conversation with there parents so it’s not something we need to go out in public and discuss.

• It’s better to have both parents in the conversation. This can bring up some great dialogue about how it’s okay for boys to treat her and how it’s not.

• Allow them to ask questions. Have open dialogue. You don’t have to be graphic but starting the talk opens it up for a childhood of them knowing the door is open.


With all the news out there about 6-8th graders having sex, and teen girls getting pregnant on purpose, we really do have to take a proactive position in speaking with our girls about sex (and boys too, for that matter).

You should try to cover all of the following, as it's comfortable for you both, it doesn't have to be in one sitting.

1. You need to explain the reproductive system of men and women using proper names (this is important for their safety in the future). And you should describe intercourse.

2. You should talk about falling in love, getting married, caring unconditionally for another person, and how sex can enhance all that.

3. That sex feels good. If it didn’t, no one would procreate.

4. That it’s possible to have sex for fun, without being in love, and a lot of people do that. Explain how "hooking up" and sex without attachment leads to empty feelings, not to mention the risk of disease.

5. Safe sex and sexually transmitted diseases.

6. Peer pressure.

7. Oral sex. Some boys will tell girls “it’s only a kiss, just not on the mouth.”

8. And you must discuss what a big deal pregnancy and parenting are.

Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex — because their moms and dads speak openly and listen — are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject.