Can I Really Be "Homesick?"

In 2007, I bought a house. Until that time, I always thought of Colorado home. That was the state in which I was born and also the place that I spent my high school years, even though I didn't get to spend much time there in between. Even after leaving Colorado 10 years ago, I longed to return, but situations as they were, it was not an option. My father, my abuser, lived there as did the father of my child, the father who had no interest in her. I did not want to move back just to have to constantly look over my shoulder.

After living in 3 different states, I embraced the fact that I would never return home to my Colorado and I decided to make a life for my daughter and I here, in North Carolina. It took over a year of house hunting to find the house that I would eventually buy. I looked long and hard, weighing the positives and negatives of each house and neighborhood. Thanks to the hard work of my 2nd or 3rd real estate agent, I happened upon 1141 Tabor Street. It was a small two bedroom house with a large fenced in back yard and was located near the end of a dead-end street. It was just right for my little family. I have always said that I bought the house with the intent to one day upgrade and sell it, but I don't really think that was true.

I worked hard for my house. I was fired from my job only weeks before the closing date, I had to work hard to meet all the requirements of the mortgage company, but I managed to find another job without missing a paycheck and closed on my house only a week of two later than planned.

When I moved into my house, it was difficult. I had the help of a few friends and the use of a beloved uncles truck, that was all. But my daughter and I moved in and began our lives there. That was the house that I watched my daughter bloom in. It was in that house and neighborhood that she learned responsibility. She got to play in the street with other neighborhood kids, but she was responsible for what her friend did in and on my property.

I remember nights sitting on the front porch and talking to friends on the phone smelling the air, which was rich with the smell of freshly cut grass, which I had done that day. I had six animals to keep me and my daughter company, as well as a fenced in back yard to condemn them all to when they drove me crazy.

In these difficult days, I find myself longing more and more for "home." For that little house where I poured all of my blood, sweat, and money. I miss having my animals underfoot. I miss sending my daughter out to play with her friends. I miss the pride that I had in myself for accomplishing home-ownership.

Not everything was great. The house payments were hard to come up with sometimes, it was difficult arguing with the warranty company when it was time to replace the air conditioner. It was difficult dealing with my daughter's school the first year that we lived there. And I was lonely.

A lot has changed in 3 years. I no longer live in my little house. I met a man from another county and our life is there, so we live on family property there. I could not have my animals, so I gave all but one up and even he is tied to a run in the backyard, admittedly neglected. As the days pass, my house has never been far from my mind. When I gave it up (we quit living there) I thought that I was trading it for more important things and, eventually, better things. But I just can't get it out of my mind.

I struggle with a lot of things these days...I am unemployed and can't seem to find work, I am frustrated as the mother of two girls who will not quit talking and usually don't want to follow directions, and even with a full family, I am still lonely.

Could I really be homesick and if so, why? How can I long for a place? Me, and army brat by birth who never lived anywhere longer than a year...why would I continuously long for a particular house and how can I get past it?

Wikipedia says:

Homesickness is the distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from the specific home environment or attachment objects... The Oxford English Dictionary describes homesickness as a feeling one has when missing home. Feelings of longing are often accompanied by anxiety and depression. These symptoms may range from mild to severe. Homesickness frequently occurs when one travels and may be exacerbated by unfamiliar environments or foreign cultural contexts. Homesickness is especially common in youth. Young people may experience a sense of dread, helplessness, or separation anxiety on their first day of school, summer camp, or on a protracted summer vacation away from the family. Many first-year students at boarding schools or universities also experience homesickness. Some new members on military basic training and members on taskings might also experience it.

Yes, I have feelings of longing, anxiety, and depression, but I am not young. I have always been aged far beyond my years, but I also just turned 30 this year. I am no spring chicken still new to this world.

Homesickness is hard to diagnose. People who suffer tend to withdraw socially, mentally returning to comforting thoughts of home. An immediate remedy for homesickness is to return home, but this is not always an option. You can, of course, try not to think about home. Keep busy and make a concerted effort to not dwell on your sickness. But, emotions like sadness, depression and withdrawal are experienced by homesick individuals and can’t be immediately relieved. Once separated from home, children and adults report that the most effective ways of coping include:

* Keeping a positive attitude
* Maintaining contact with home
* Activity
* Communication
* Enjoying what's different about the novel environment
* Bringing a "transitional object"

But most of these remedies focus on the people that you miss from home. What if there is no one left there? What if you miss the place itself? The feeling that it gave you?

One article that I read had a unique way of looking at it...

Homesickness isn't necessarily about home.It stems from our need for love, protection and security. When these qualities aren't present in a new environment, we begin to long for them -- and hence home.

If this is the case, then it is not the house that I miss, but possible the feeling of accomplishment that it gave me, the independence that I experienced, the love that was poured out between my daughter and I. But, how do I get these things where I am? My daughter is growing up and we are at odds (for this moment or hour), I am no longer independent (I have no job, no money, and no longer the freedom to do as I please), and the accomplishment, that went out the window long ago. I am sorry, but I don't think that this article ends with a healthy and happy optimism for the future...