Emotional Abuse

 Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused, then they're not being abused. That's not true. You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have even recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

What is Emotional Abuse?
There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control.

Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate and subjugate another through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Yelling, screaming, and name-calling are all forms of emotional abuse, as are more subtle tactics such as refusing to be pleased with anything, isolating an individual from family and friends and invalidating another's thoughts and feelings.

One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most.

Emotional abuse leaves few physical scars. Its victims suffer no broken bones, torn flesh or spilled blood. Still, those wounded might describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence. Emotional abuse systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. A victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser. Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations
Unreasonable demands are placed on the victim and the abuser wants the victim to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, but no matter how much you give, it's never enough. The victim may be subjected to constant criticism, and constantly berated because they don't fulfill all the abuser's person's needs.

Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressive behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The superior position the abuser assumes is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The abuser takes a judgmental "I know best" tone.

Degrading
Insulting, ridiculing, name calling and behavior which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labeling a person as stupid; mimicking a person's disability.

Denying and Minimizing
Denying is to deny a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating.
The abuser may also deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. For example if the victim confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. The abuser may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted. Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Dominating
The abuser wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.

Emotional Blackmail
The abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation
Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you."

Isolating
Physical confinement; restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within a person's own environment. This could even be as sneaky as gradually creating problems with or distance from your family and friends, anything it takes to keep the victim alone and vulnerable.

Rejecting
The abuser may refuse to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings.

Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Understanding Abusive Relationships

Individuals who were abused by a parent often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. An abused child may not have learned how to set their own standards, develop their own viewpoints and validate their own feeling and perceptions. The controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Abusers also struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless and have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Emotional abuse victims stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are a victim, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People

• Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home.
• Judge themselves without mercy.
• Have trouble accepting compliments.
• Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes.
• Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking.)
• Constantly seek approval & affirmation.
• Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.
• Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• Feelings of low self- esteem.
• They tend to isolate themselves out of fear and often feel uneasy around other people.
• They feel guilty when they stand up for themselves or act in their own best interests.
• They deny, minimize or repress feelings.
• They are terrified of rejection or abandonment.
• They have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships.

Characteristics of an Abuser

• They will railroad discussions.
• They may behave as though things are okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't.
• They frequently criticize, humiliate, or undermines your self-esteem.
• They may ridicule you for expressing yourself.
• They will isolate you from friends, family or groups.
• They may limit your access to work, money or material resources.
• Your relationship may swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close.
• They might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute.
• They control the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior.
• They create a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency in the victim. Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
• They work to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.
• They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
• They will dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;
• They will always put their needs before yours;
• They never take responsibility for hurting others;
• They will blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;
• They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.
• They put forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism. In other words, what he says, goes.

The Cycle of Abuse
Phase 1 - TENSION BUILDING:
Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser.
Phase 2 - INCIDENT:
Verbal and emotional abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.
Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION:
Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 - CALM:
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place.

Keep in mind, one instance or inkling of controlling behavior or aggression could just be a bad day. Emotional abuse is repetitive and long-lasting. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, an isolated incident does not constitute emotional abuse. Sustained and repetitive mistreatment are the crucial components of any definition of emotional abuse.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.