Why? Why do people have to protect themselves so much? Why do we have to go to such extremes in order to protect themselves?
You would think that I am speaking of someone else, wouldn't you? You would think I am complaining about having to break through someone else's heart of stone, wouldn't you?
Nope.
I am complaining about my own heart of stone. I am complaining about that defense mechanism that gradually developed throughout a childhood of abuse and neglect. And now, I once again have found use for it in my adult life.
I am almost 32 years old and the only way that I can protect myself is to shut down, wall up, put my head down and go through the motions of life.
Years ago, I realized that this is what I had grown up doing. I didn't enjoy life, I just did what was needed. Yes, I accomplished a lot this way, but I couldn't enjoy any of it. So, I sought therapy, began taking anti-depressants, yet again, and started a journey of healing.
Where has that journey led me? Right back to what I was doing before but with more responsibility and so much less "say so" in my own life. Now, instead of even being able to go through the motions as I see fit, I must deal with my own depression and recurring flashbacks, I must deal with my daughters depression and ADHD, and fight the whole world to get any help or love for her. I don't even bother trying to get any for myself any more. There is no use.
My plea, if you know anyone who suffers like me or my child do, shower them with love and let them know that they are not alone.
You would think that I am speaking of someone else, wouldn't you? You would think I am complaining about having to break through someone else's heart of stone, wouldn't you?
Nope.
I am complaining about my own heart of stone. I am complaining about that defense mechanism that gradually developed throughout a childhood of abuse and neglect. And now, I once again have found use for it in my adult life.
I am almost 32 years old and the only way that I can protect myself is to shut down, wall up, put my head down and go through the motions of life.
Years ago, I realized that this is what I had grown up doing. I didn't enjoy life, I just did what was needed. Yes, I accomplished a lot this way, but I couldn't enjoy any of it. So, I sought therapy, began taking anti-depressants, yet again, and started a journey of healing.
Where has that journey led me? Right back to what I was doing before but with more responsibility and so much less "say so" in my own life. Now, instead of even being able to go through the motions as I see fit, I must deal with my own depression and recurring flashbacks, I must deal with my daughters depression and ADHD, and fight the whole world to get any help or love for her. I don't even bother trying to get any for myself any more. There is no use.
My plea, if you know anyone who suffers like me or my child do, shower them with love and let them know that they are not alone.
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