Hurting

The hubby and I have been married two years now. When we first met, we fell head over heals in love with each other and began planning our life, which included twin boys and a house on his property in Davidson County. At six months, we got engaged, and less than two months later, we were married.

Our relationship and marriage hasn’t been easy. Two weeks after meeting, I lost my job and wasn’t able to find another for two years. We got married while I was suffering the effects of a herniated lumbar disc and it consumed me over the next three months until the doctor performed surgery. I got through surgery okay, and baby fever hit me. I was convinced that if we didn’t have a baby soon, then we wouldn’t be able to. I just knew that I had at most two or three years before I would have to have surgery again (which was now almost two years ago and I am still doing well). No matter what I said though, my husband stuck to his guns and said no baby until we were ready. (Though I don’t think we ever talked about what he thought made us "ready.") Looking back, it was probably a good decision.

At the time, though, I was hurting. I wanted a baby so bad, I wanted to know that he wanted a baby with me, too. (Mind you, we both have a child of our own as well.) Then, almost my entire Sunday School class got pregnant and I couldn’t deal with it. I could bring myself to go to any of their baby showers, I even quit going to church at one point, and I only ever brought myself to go meet one of the babies. (I did attempt to go to one of the baby showers, but I turned back when I saw how many people were there.) I was brokenhearted and hurting. Then, I just had enough. I hit my 30th birthday and said "that’s it, no more kids." I grieved over that decision, but at least the decision was made and over time my hurt lessened.

Recently, the hubby and I resurrected the baby discussion and said that soon as we got our finances were manageable, we would start trying. Now, I am scared. Not about having a baby. I am scared that it’s never going to happen. Every time I turn around, something goes wrong. Right now we just barely made it through our girls’ birthdays and our anniversary. And now, I learn just how frustrated and at the end of his rope my hubby is with his job.

Now that brokenhearted feeling returns and I don’t know if I can deal with it again. I don’t like this feeling and it definitely doesn’t make me a nice person to be around. (I tend to lash out in anger when I am hurting.) But, what do I do? As a Christian, I know that the answer is to pray, but it’s hard to continuously pray for something for a year and half and get no answer. I know that there has to be a reason, and to a degree I know (or think I know) some of those reasons, but my heart is breaking . . .