I am reading a really tough chapter in So Long, Insecurity. Chapter 7 is a long chapter full of stories of ways that insecurity has made a fool of unnamed people.
Believe it or not, this actually made me want to share some ways that my insecurities have made a fool of me. I have two stories to tell. One is a specific incident and the other is a generality.
To this day, I am jealous of my hubby's ex. I don't want to go into too many details, but I have never felt that I can live up to the image that she left with him. I, however, abhor this woman. Things were done that raised my hackles early in our relationship and I have never moved past it. Anyways, about 4 months into our relationship, there was a party. But, on the way there, the baked beans spilled on me, then the hubby's ex was there which I really don't think I was expecting. As the night progressed, we started making drinks and lets just say, I enjoyed call out the names of those drinks WAY too much. I embarrassed my hubby so much that he has never taken me to another office party. I can't say that I blame him.
Now, for number two...
I am a survivor of a sexually abusive father and an alcoholic mother. I have lived my life feeling bad. For years and years, I struggled not to be a victim. I put my head down and plunged forward in my life. I went to school, started a career, bought a house, raised a daughter, etc. But, once I finally (at 28 years old) accepted the fact that I was a victim, I almost immediately started dealing with the rejection.
Four years later and it still gouges a huge hole in my chest to think that over and over again, my mom chose drugs and alcohol over me; that my father rejected me as a daughter and instead tried to make me (a 13 year old) as a lover.
As time has progressed and I have managed to sabotage other family relationships, the rejection of my parents have expounded the rejection of others. It still causes me great fear of rejection of others. I fear rejections so much that I often race to reject others before they can reject me. Most of the time, though, the other person has no idea that I have rejected them. I reject them by disconnecting myself from them. Then, their rejection can't hurt me.
Believe it or not, this actually made me want to share some ways that my insecurities have made a fool of me. I have two stories to tell. One is a specific incident and the other is a generality.
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Now, for number two...
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Four years later and it still gouges a huge hole in my chest to think that over and over again, my mom chose drugs and alcohol over me; that my father rejected me as a daughter and instead tried to make me (a 13 year old) as a lover.
As time has progressed and I have managed to sabotage other family relationships, the rejection of my parents have expounded the rejection of others. It still causes me great fear of rejection of others. I fear rejections so much that I often race to reject others before they can reject me. Most of the time, though, the other person has no idea that I have rejected them. I reject them by disconnecting myself from them. Then, their rejection can't hurt me.
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