I Give Up

I give up.

I give up on making any pretense that I can keep my current turmoil from polluting my blog. I am completely obsessed. I am in pain and I need an outlet. Not one day, not one hour goes by when I don't think about our current situation and the various ways that it's effecting me, my family, my work, my kids...

I am in turmoil thinking that I should probably notify her father, even though he has no active communication with us. He has never met my oldest. He has never written to her. He has only ever talked to her once on the phone. He won't even consistantly pay to support her, but he is still her father.

When I think those thoughts, then I can't help but feel guilty for ever raising her without a father. For thinking that I could be enough, as broken as I am. All my life, I have been told that I am strong to survive what I have, but I am still so very broken.

Then, I try to think into the future. I am who I am. If I haven't been able to do a good job up until now, then there is no way that I can be enough going forward. But, what do I do?

Then, there is my youngest. She isn't even my real daughter, but how bad will I mess her up?

I used to blindly think that I was a good mom. Yes, I am strict and a little over bearing, but I have fed and clothed her; I have loved her; I have done my best to protect her; I have tried to teach her right from wrong; but, apparently, that is not enough. But, where do I go from here? What is enough?

I seriously just want to crawl in a hole and die. (Don't misunderstand me, I could never kill myself.) But I want to seclude myself, curl up in my bed, and not move. I want to veg out, stop thinking, and just be.