Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Black Hole

Wow, I had a very busy and exhausting weekend, but I also had something happen to me.
All day Sunday, I was in pain.....not physical pain.....emotional pain. I suffered greatly and cried off and on almost all day. At the time, I had no idea what was going on with me. The least little thing, even a bad thought, would get me to crying. I felt like there was a black hole in my chest and I was being consumed by it.

Now, I posted before about my husband's recent contact with his long lost sister. Let me make myself perfectly clear. I am SOOOO excited for him and happy for him. I am excited myself and bragged about my new sister-in-law and niece and nephew to everyone that I came in contact with for days after.

But, that bad old devil got to me. He made me jealous. He made me envious over the fact that my hubby got to meet his sister when I have three sisters and a brother that I have no contact with....when I have no contact with my dad's side of the family at all....and when there is so much strife between my mom's side of the family.
To compound things, my oldest has a father she has never met and two brothers and a sister she has never met. So, while I know my pain, I am so fearful of the pain that she will experience as time goes on.
Then, there are certain members of my hubby's family (members who I love) who have no interest in meeting this long lost family member and that breaks my heart for her. I have been that sister who has been told "I don't want to have contact with you." I have felt that rejection. This also confuses my feelings for these people. I love them, but I can't believe that someone I love could be so cold hearted.
I am not sure why God has chosen now to rip the band aids from these particular wounds, but all I can do is cling to him (and my hubby) for support. And let me tell you, my hubby has been a great source of support!


  1. I know this is way past posting date, but I hope things are feeling somewhat better now. Prayers...

    1. Meredith, things have been crazy busy with work, family, extra ciricular activities, and a new addition to our family, so I haven't been able to post. I am still in a lot of pain, but I am more hopeful.

      Thanks for checking in on me!